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anger management for dummies® published by wiley publishing inc 111 river st hoboken nj 07030-5774 www.wiley.com copyright © 2007 by wiley publishing inc indianapolis indiana published simultaneously in canada no part of this publication may be reproduced stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic mechanical photocopying recording scanning or otherwise except as permitted under sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 united states copyright act without either the prior written permission of the publisher or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the copyright clearance center 222 rosewood drive danvers ma 01923 978-750-8400 fax 978-646-8600 requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the legal department wiley publishing inc 10475 crosspoint blvd indianapolis in 46256 317-572-3447 fax 317-572-4355 or online at http www.wiley.com/go/permissions trademarks wiley the wiley publishing logo for dummies the dummies man logo a reference for the rest of us the dummies way dummies daily the fun and easy way dummies.com and related trade dress are trademarks or registered trademarks of john wiley sons inc and/or its affiliates in the united states and other countries and may not be used without written permission all other trademarks are the property of their respective owners wiley publishing inc is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book limit of liability/disclaimer of warranty the contents of this work are intended to further general scientific research understanding and discussion only and are not intended and should not be relied upon as recommending or promoting a specific method diagnosis or treatment by physicians for any particular patient the publisher and the author make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this work and specifically disclaim all warranties including without limitation any implied warranties of fitness for a particular purpose in view of ongoing research equipment modifications changes in governmental regulations and the constant flow of information relating to the use of medicines equipment and devices the reader is urged to review and evaluate the information provided in the package insert or instructions for each medicine equipment or device for among other things any changes in the instructions or indication of usage and for added warnings and precautions readers should consult with a specialist where appropriate the fact that an organization or website is referred to in this work as a citation and/or a potential source of further information does not mean that the author or the publisher endorses the information the organization or website may provide or recommendations it may make further readers should be aware that internet websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read no warranty may be created or extended by any promotional statements for this work neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any damages arising herefrom for general information on our other products and services please contact our customer care department within the u.s at 800-762-2974 outside the u.s at 317-572-3993 or fax 317-572-4002 for technical support please visit www.wiley.com/techsupport wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books library of congress control number 2006934834 isbn-13 978-0-470-03715-7 isbn-10 0-470-03715-6 manufactured in the united states of america 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 1b/rx/rr/qw/in[close]
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about the author w doyle gentry phd is a clinical psychologist and director of the institute for anger-free living in lynchburg virginia he is a fellow in the american psychological association and was the founding editor of the journal of behavioral medicine in dr gentry s four-decade career as a scientist-practitioner he has authored over 100 publications including eight books and is a pioneer in the fields of health psychology behavioral medicine and anger management he has previously served on the faculty of duke university medical center and the university of texas medical branch galveston gentry has conducted training seminars for lay and professional audiences throughout the united states canada and europe he has also served as a consultant to major industry where he specializes in conflict management team building and health promotion articles referring to dr gentry s work on anger regularly appear in a variety of contemporary magazines and he is frequently interviewed on radio and television for insights into how to create and maintain an anger-free life he is the author of two earlier self-help books on anger anger-free ten basic steps to managing your anger quill 2000 and when someone you love is angry berkley 2004 dr gentry is available for speaking engagements and workshops interested readers may contact him via e-mail at liveangerfree@aol.com.[close]
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dedication i dedicate this book to my two basset hounds max and dixie both of whom have absolutely no need for anger management author s acknowledgments i would like to thank a number of teammates who made writing this book both possible and enjoyable first i am indebted once again to my agent denise marcil and her delightful associate maura kye for all their efforts on my behalf i was well represented the folks at john wiley sons inc in particular lindsay lefevere elizabeth kuball and rebecca stidham were fantastic i deeply appreciate their professionalism expertise encouragement and most of all patience during both the acquisition and editorial phases of the project the energy and passion associated with the for dummies series is indeed infectious and as always i want to thank my loving family catherine rebecca and chris for yet another show of support for my life s work they never disappoint basically we are all dummies when it comes to anger management a field that remains a work in progress i learn more every day about ways to harness this complicated and at times troublesome emotion and being able to share this education with my readers is a pleasure if this book changes the life of a single person for the better then i am satisfied that the hard work that went into it was worthwhile.[close]
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publisher s acknowledgments we re proud of this book please send us your comments through our dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following acquisitions editorial and media development project editor elizabeth kuball acquisitions editor lindsay lefevere editorial program coordinator hanna k scott technical editor rebecca stidham lcsw editorial manager michelle hacker consumer editorial supervisor and reprint editor carmen krikorian editorial assistants erin calligan david lutton cover photo alejandro balaguer/getty images cartoons rich tennant www.the5thwave.com composition services project coordinator adrienne martinez layout and graphics stephanie d jumper barry offringa lynsey osborn laura pence julie trippetti proofreaders david faust christine pingleton techbooks indexer techbooks publishing and editorial for consumer dummies diane graves steele vice president and publisher consumer dummies joyce pepple acquisitions director consumer dummies kristin a cocks product development director consumer dummies michael spring vice president and publisher travel kelly regan editorial director travel publishing for technology dummies andy cummings vice president and publisher dummies technology/general user composition services gerry fahey vice president of production services debbie stailey director of composition services[close]
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contents at a glance introduction 1 part i the basics of anger 9 chapter 1 anger the universal emotion 11 chapter 2 when is anger a problem 17 chapter 3 is anger poisoning your life 31 part ii managing your anger today 49 chapter 4 taking immediate action 51 chapter 5 speaking out in anger 65 chapter 6 keeping your cool 75 part iii preventing anger tomorrow 91 chapter 7 adopting a new perspective 93 chapter 8 saying what you feel 105 chapter 9 confessing your anger 115 chapter 10 become a type b 129 chapter 11 using anger constructively 143 part iv handling anger from the past 159 chapter 12 why is letting go so difficult 161 chapter 13 forgiving 171 part v lifestyle changes that improve more than your anger 181 chapter 14 managing stress 183 chapter 15 managing your chemistry 199 chapter 16 adding balance to your life 211 chapter 17 getting a good night s sleep 227 chapter 18 looking to a higher power 241 chapter 19 staying in a good mood 251[close]
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part vi managing anger in key relationships 269 chapter 20 at work 271 chapter 21 at home 287 chapter 22 in intimate relationships 301 part vii the part of tens 317 chapter 23 ten ways to raise a non-angry child 319 chapter 24 ten ways to combat road rage 331 chapter 25 ten anger-freeing thoughts 339 index 347[close]
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table of contents introduction 1 about this book 1 conventions used in this book 3 what you re not to read 3 foolish assumptions 4 how this book is organized 4 part i the basics of anger 4 part ii managing your anger today 5 part iii preventing anger tomorrow 5 part iv handling anger from the past 5 part v lifestyle changes that improve more than your anger 6 part vi managing anger in key relationships 6 part vii the part of tens 6 icons used in this book 6 where to go from here 7 part i the basics of anger 9 chapter 1 anger the universal emotion .11 dispelling common anger myths 11 understanding the role of emotions in your life 13 getting the help you need 14 you ll know when you re there 16 chapter 2 when is anger a problem .17 evaluating how angry you are 18 how often do you get angry 19 how intense is your anger 20 figuring out whether your anger is toxic 20 episodic irritation 21 episodic anger 22 episodic rage 22 chronic irritation 22 chronic anger 22 chronic rage 22 calculating the risks of toxic anger 23 are you male 23 are you under 40 years of age 23 are you temperamental 24 do you have too many opportunities to get mad 24 are you looking at life the wrong way 24[close]
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x anger management for dummies do you have an aggressive personality 25 are you taking the wrong kinds of drugs 26 do you stay irritable 26 are you suffering from depression 27 do you communicate poorly 27 do you lack problem-solving skills 28 are you too stressed 28 are you too judgmental 28 are you too much into blame 28 are you constantly exhausted 29 do you have an inadequate support system 29 is your life seriously out of balance 30 chapter 3 is anger poisoning your life .31 robbing your energy 32 making you ill 33 how anger indirectly affects your health 33 how anger directly affects your health 37 reviewing the anger-health checklist 39 sabotaging your career 41 getting off track early 42 heading in the wrong direction 42 asking the wrong question 43 engaging in counterproductive work behavior 44 ruining your marriage 45 affecting the health of those you care about 46 part ii managing your anger today 49 chapter 4 taking immediate action .51 drawing the line the sooner the better 51 settling for just being annoyed 53 understanding why your fuse is so short 54 lengthening your fuse 55 walking away but coming back 56 letting the other person have the last word 57 sometimes it pays to feel guilty 58 distraction works 58 changing your situation 59 stopping the rumination 60 using imagery to transcend anger 61 the life savers technique 64[close]
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table of contents chapter 5 speaking out in anger .65 forget venting 66 expressing your anger effectively 67 talking versus hitting 67 writing versus speaking 69 leaving out the four-letter words 70 stay focused 71 keep it short and breathe 71 it s not what you say it s how you say it 72 xi chapter 6 keeping your cool .75 choose to respond rather than react 76 breaking your lifelong habits of reacting to anger 77 avoiding the company of other angerholics 79 assessing your anger 80 be patient 81 take a deep breath 82 the relaxation response 82 the power of quiet 83 lighten up 83 inoculate yourself 83 ask yourself four crucial questions 84 who am i really angry at 84 is this where i want to be angry 84 why am i angry 84 is the intensity of my anger at this moment consistent with why i m angry 85 what are my options 85 always give yourself three ways to go 86 consider the consequences of each response 86 don t always exercise your right to be angry 88 go ahead and respond 88 now reward yourself 89 part iii preventing anger tomorrow 91 chapter 7 adopting a new perspective .93 anger is in the eye of the beholder 94 understanding why it s called blind rage 95 choosing the lesser of two evils 96 accepting life for what it is not what it should be 97 becoming more tolerant 98 seeking diversity in all things 99 avoiding the media like the plague 100 figuring out where hostility and resentment come from 102 when in doubt be assertive 104[close]
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xii anger management for dummies chapter 8 saying what you feel .105 why hiding your emotions isn t healthy 105 no such thing as unexpressed anger 106 dissatisfaction can be lethal 107 being civil doesn t always mean being nice 108 stop saying i m fine when you re not 109 stop apologizing for what others do 109 express your anger without worrying that you re being a bitch 110 stop having issues and start having feelings 110 walking away and still having your say 112 chapter 9 confessing your anger .115 confession it s good for what ails you 116 who can benefit from confessing 117 men in general 117 african-american men 118 women who cry a lot 118 people who are prone to guilt 118 people who are too empathetic 118 people who are hostile 119 people who lack charisma 119 introverts 119 people who have suffered a lot of trauma 119 people who are chronically ill 120 young people 120 understanding the difference between a diary and a journal 120 telling your story your way 121 make yourself the audience 121 use the first person 122 don t worry about grammar 122 focus on the negative 123 establish causal connections 124 write until time is up 125 don t let emotions get in the way 125 suspend judgment 126 stick to pen and pencil 127 find a quite place 128 chapter 10 becoming a type b .129 moving beyond type a 130 focusing on who you are rather than what you do 130 looking at your own competitive streak 134 conversing without numbers 135 taking off your watch 136 resisting what society tells you to do 138[close]
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table of contents acquiring wisdom 139 seeking diversity in relationships 139 cultivating the arts 140 letting curiosity rein 140 finding the right environmental fit 141 xiii chapter 11 using anger constructively .143 making anger your ally 143 anger is a built-in resource 145 anger is invigorating 145 anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior 146 anger communicates 146 anger protects you from harm 147 anger is an antidote to impotence 147 exploring the motives behind your anger 148 seeking vengeance 149 bringing about a positive change 149 letting off steam 150 using anger to understand yourself 150 constructive anger 151 step 1 decide how you want to feel after you get angry 151 step 2 acknowledge your anger 152 step 3 focus your anger on the problem not the person 153 step 4 identify the source of the problem 153 step 5 accept that the problem can be solved 154 step 6 try to see things from the other person s perspective 155 step 7 co-op the other party 155 step 8 keep a civil tone throughout 156 step 9 avoid disrespectful behavior 156 step 10 don t be afraid to take a timeout and resume the discussion later 157 step 11 make it a two-way conversation 157 step 12 acknowledge that you ve made progress 157 what goes around comes around 158 part iv handling anger from the past 159 chapter 12 why is letting go so difficult .161 digging out from anger 161 resistance equals persistence 162 what are you afraid of 163 being nice doesn t mean being powerless 164 who hangs on and who lets go 166 trying the ten-minute rant 168 living without resolution 169 time s up when to let go 169[close]
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xiv anger management for dummies chapter 13 forgiving .171 forgiveness is never easy 172 it takes time 173 it requires support 173 it demands sacrifice 174 choosing to forgive 174 you have to be safe 174 you have to acknowledge the frailty of human nature 175 doing a cost-benefit analysis 176 who are you letting off the hook 176 do you deserve to be happy 177 accepting the finality of being wronged 178 you don t have to forget the past 178 choose pain over anger 179 part v lifestyle changes that improve more than your anger 181 chapter 14 managing stress .183 distinguishing stress from strain 184 staying away from stress carriers 185 identifying the sources of your stress 186 knowing which types of stress are toxic 188 cumulative stress 189 chronic stress 189 catastrophic stress 190 control stress 190 avoiding burnout 191 discovering how to be hardy 193 be the master of your own destiny 194 be a player not a spectator 195 transform catastrophes into challenges 196 coping with stress what works and what doesn t 197 chapter 15 managing your chemistry .199 just because it s legal doesn t make it healthy 199 how much is too much 202 keeping track of your substance use 204 eliminating your favorite cigarette 206 counting your caffeine 207 adopting a new drinking style 207 chapter 16 adding balance to your life .211 counterbalancing stress 211 adding uplifts to your life 212 moving away from the extremes 214[close]
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