How to Turn a Hated Colleague into an Ally


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how to turn a hated colleague into an ally a person s individual make-up plus the environment they inhabit in their life are two things that coalesce to make a combination unique to them there is the uniqueness of the way somebody is and also of their current situation at any time therefore they could be happy sad stressed or whatever those two factors make the person any person although our dna doesn t change we are transitioning into different environments all of the time partly because we re aging and partly because we re moving through the different stages of life such as young adulthood marriage emptynesting and so on it s always important to remember this whenever we encounter someone new in life be they a co-worker neighbor in-law or a friend s acquaintance it takes at least two people to have a battle in a situation where you have hatred between the two of you it s not appropriate for you to say it s nothing to do with me i didn t do anything because while it may well be that the other person possibly has their own immaturity or hang ups to deal with they may just not like you they may not like the way you look or they might be jealous of you your situation possessions education you just don`t know whatever it is it creates a tension 1 use creative tension creative tension is where something positive is taken from a tense situation it is very important in a work context yet quite often people veer away from it in recruitment we tend to recruit `nice people who think a little bit like us in truth great companies and great teams can be found not simply where there s tension but where the importance of tension is recognized when turning a hated adversary into an ally you move around this pivotal point of tension follow us @posignition


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2 be self-aware look at areas where you are strong but also admit there are some areas where you re not so strong and need to therefore give leeway to others don t try and fake what you re good at as people will see through you and be antagonized if they feel you re building yourself up to be someone you re not be it at work home or play people will respect you more if you acknowledge your weaknesses ask for help and work on areas for improvement than if you just ignore said weaknesses 3 see the good believe that everyone has something to give its so easy for us to be quick to judge be competitive see everything as black and white but there is not much place for that when we re trying to build relationships with co-workers new relatives or really anyone we come into contact with on a regular basis 4 make a spidergram a color-coded spidergram or mindmap of your different networks can help you identify problem areas color each individual in each network with either a cold or warm tone depending on whether you hate them or not look for clusters of the same type of color and ask yourself what you can do to turn things around in that particular network noticing patterns of hate clustered in the same place is a useful way of analysing the situation especially if you re particularly visually literate 5 don their shoes put yourself in the position of the person try and understand who they are and what is going on in their world be curious as we know we re the world s expert on ourselves so the more you ask someone about themselves and encourage them to open up the more likely you are to find out about them there s no need to dive into their life history straight away start with polite open questions such as how was your vacation or you look nice where have you been 6 dig sensitively alternatively you can gain an increased understanding of the individual by doing a little bit of sensitive digging and by asking others what s going on with the individual follow us @posignition


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it is possible to do this without being gossipy don t put words in people s mouths but simply let them tell you the facts in some cases you can know someone for 20 years and not know what they re going through right now if you don t mine for information 7 find common ground find similarities in experience be it school hobbies or a band you both like or your system of values perhaps you didn t realize that this individual has been helping homeless people at a place of religious worship for the last 10 years and maybe they didn t know that you volunteer at a soup kitchen for the homeless by looking beneath the surface you may recognise a different person 8 stay calm if you re about to clash with someone just take a deep breath be more conscious of your surroundings and what the consequences of your actions will be rather than being self-conscious if someone says something that really annoys you try not to react this will escalate the situation and increase the heat 9 ignore minimizers there are people who are very fond of minimizing themselves i.e playing down their strengths but then there are the people who deliberately go out of way to minimize others to make sure they the minimizer gets more attention or kudos or whatever it might the mother-in-law who comes to stay and is aghast that the hoovering isn t done or your child s friend who comes to play and disregards house rules follow us @posignition


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the key to ignoring minimizers is to remember not to take it personally the more time you spend with these people the more you ll realize they do it to others too 10 express gratitude letting someone know you appreciate them is one of the simplest things to do but can also be one of the most powerful and quickest way to turn their opinion of you around simply saying thank you for sending out that report/email it was really informative or thanks for organizing this event it s great fun can make someone s day and get them thinking about their relationship with you from a different more positive perspective this checklist has been created by position ignition ltd one of the uk s leading career consulting companies please contact for more information or to suggest additional resources follow us @posignition



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