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glistening hope life 1 webster s dictionary defines hope confident expectation that a desire will be fulfilled to wish and expect glistening to sparkle glitter to appear bright usually by reflecting light even in childhood how often i sat in contemplation about life about my own life always feeling there is something important that must be done and that you are the only one to do it is thematic for some folks it was for me sunday justis rock one time in particular my deep thoughts found me on the massive concrete front steps of my childhood house i leapt up and down them each day maybe i was eight or nine years old maybe ten more about that later 1

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testimony of life the leaves of memory seemed to make a mournful rustling in the dark ­henry wadsworth longfellow let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf ­rabindranath tagore 2

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glistening hope before her parents were divorced sunday s mom moved away and there was very little contact between mother and daughter with mama gone sunday had the unwelcome sort of alone time one involuntarily lives with when having to be by themselves later on she would embrace that alone time but early on it only made her sad sunday s parents emotional incompatibility forced mom out sunday along with her older brother and sister stayed with dad maternal abandonment with its resulting feminine void seeped into her life and colored her future 2 with just a few years separating sunday and her two siblings her brother john was the oldest their sister cheryl was in the middle and sunday was the youngest in their house together without much supervision their over-loaded emotional tinder boxes were always ripe for explosion the subordinates often had knock down-drag out stress venting fights against each other rather than resisting their autonomous superior then out of necessity the siblings banded together and repaired any subsequent damage before dad found out more about that later 1 common for sunday was peering deeply into her neighborhood s ever present rainbowed skies she saw the water droplet s prismatic rays as an etherial escape from her family s endlessly stressful drama beauty art and fantasy were her faithful companions her imaginary playmates were angels and nature spirits who empathetically took her mind and heart someplace else temporarily away from where she existed at least that s how she pretended 4 her older sister cheryl with her self-proclaimed intellectual superiority routinely reminded sunday with her cutting sarcasm how she lived in a dream world of her own na nu na nu na na and how she never got over mom and dad s divorce sissy was as quick with her skillfully jabbing fists as she was with her sharp belligerent tongue each stung but the idea of withheld knowledge that might have helped ease sunday s aloneness hurt the most perplexed she didn t understand what her sister meant although she asked sissy never altered her predictable reply her snide you know prevailed as though she had insight into their family and different worlds of understanding about which she cruelly neglected to share with her kid sister but then withholding comfort on all fronts was something sis appeared to enjoy immensely sunday saw her brother s attempts to ward off the cruelty of his younger sister numerous times as his youngest sister looked on while dodging the fallout more about that later 3 3

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testimony of life 1 2 3 4 5 cheryl married when she was about twenty her husband s family culture of overt involved closeness and involved concern was interpreted by her as them being busy-bodies she even warned sunday about them yet sunday liked her brother-in-laws family and they seemed to like her years later cheryl s disappointed and rejected mother-in-law told sunday your sister doesn t like anyone that s different than her although astute that wasn t exactly the issue if it would only have been that simple the daughter-in-law she wanted to care for felt vulnerable and insecure amidst the love her mother-in-law inculcated within her nuclear family because cheryl was trained to mistrust any sort of love and affection their nurturing intimacy magnified the underlying self-condemnation she harbored from her unacknowledged rock baggage thus she preferred the emotional deprivation and familiar isolation of her childhood that provided the illusory comfort of the sterile emotions she was used to it was better than having to feel any feelings within a couple of years sis had two children although curious dressing her expanding nuclear family in gifted clothes from her in-laws did not reduce the difficulties she had with her extended family desperate for the familiar sanity of chaos cheryl reached out to her sister she asked sunday to pick up stakes and move she actually wanted sunday to live with her and her growing family they were temporarily living in a duplex while they house hunted it will be cramped at first she said but once we move you will have your own room sunday pondered the idea knowing it was risky cheryl had been her nemesis all through their childhood would living with her as an adult be any different she wondered sunday had already moved away from the sibling chaos which sissy still seemed to crave what cheryl loved sunday loathed the sisters always had a strained relationship at best they looked at emotional turmoil from two diametrically opposed viewpoints yet sunday reasoned what if sissy and i could be friends so she optimistically moved south it was far away from where she grew up but not far enough away from what she knew once she arrived at cheryl s sunday looked for work she was not hired as a sales clerk a receptionist dog groomer telemarketer or other entry level position for which the eighteen year old applied finally when seeing a dancers needed no experience required ad she called and got the job hooking up with a man she met while working there was only one of the reasons big sis kicked little sis out more about that later 6 one day months later sunday visited sissy at her new house big sis told little sis about an unfortunate incident between her and her husband evidently he did something 4

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glistening hope that bothered her when she confronted him he said he didn t know he hurt her and apologized i cursed him anyway she confessed to her sister s jolted surprise i don t believe him because i know when i m being mean sunday flashed back to cheryl s many cruel childhood acts against her and john with disgust those mean things she did to john and me were deliberate sunday felt entirely ripped-off and po ed not to mention disgusted she always pardoned cheryl both through forgiveness and by avoiding her tantrums she generously assumed sissy didn t realize how cruel she was at times what an eye opener at that seminal moment sunday would forever see her sister differently 1 little did cheryl know what her mother confided to her sister only weeks before while mrs rock visited sissy after the birth of her son she heard an alarming comment cheryl said something very disturbing her mom disclosed something i thought you should know when changing the baby s diaper your sister turned to me and chuckled it s another peter to play with her mom added i was speechless with a strained look on her face a year later sunday was again visiting her sister while there cheryl caught her oldest child fiddling with some enticing porcelain doll house furniture she had scattered around on her living-room tables she said honey i love you but sometimes i don t like you this is one of those times stop touching my stuff or i will punch your lights out the toddler s eyes got wider and wider while slowly backing away watching mama once around the corner the tike ran down the hall crying with sunday s little half smile she tried to say i know she s mean i know with compassion concealed from her sister sissy was famous for taking a tender moment tearing it apart and leaving others to pick up the scattered pieces of emotion then she would criticize whomever was injured for acting like a baby sunday thought the rock descendants deserved better that visit was the last time she saw cheryl s children 3 over the next couple years sunday saw her sister only once she called her one day saying she would be in her neighborhood and wondered if she could stop by her house for a short visit sissy said she was going to where she boarded her horse sunday could follow her out there and they could go riding not intending to ride sunday agreed maybe she could tell her sister the exciting news she was pregnant maybe now that sunday would also be a mother she and cheryl might have something in common when her child was born it would have cousins to play with maybe family could actually be possible 4 sunday followed cheryl to the stable in her own car once there she sat on the corral fence while sissy put the halter on her mare when she turned to get the saddle blanket the horse walked off she called it back but it didn t come that made sis mad she stormed 2 5

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testimony of life over to her horse grabbed its halter rope and began jerking the beast around fearful the wide eyed mare slipped in the wet clay paddock it fell and split its upper lip clear into its nostril the thick cut gapped open over her bloody teeth more blood ran down her whiskered chin like a faucet unsympathetic cheryl continued jerking the mare around like the intimidating terrorist she had become screaming that s what you get you better come when i call you the frightened horse s neck stiffened its head lifted and its eyes bugged out even more both shocked and deflated as though her breath had been sucked out sunday thought same old cheryl she was riding the injured mare over to the vet a few blocks away when sunday drove out of the stable parking lot she did not see her sister again until six months after her baby was born that s when she and her husband stopped by sissy s house unannounced 1 due to a curt telephone conversation between sissy and sunday s fiancé she boycotted their wedding and influenced her in-laws to do likewise having forgiven her for that sunday wanted cheryl to finally meet her husband and their baby she understood how sissy was intimidated by people she couldn t control but generously thought since cheryl is now an aunt she deserves a chance to revoke her prejudice with that in mind the couple and their infant approached sissy s door when sunday knocked her sister angrily opened the door saying if you ever come to my house without being invited i will shoot you him and your bastard kid sunday s husband was infuriated but he and his wife just left without exchanging words based on what sunday knew from her childhood sis didn t make idle threats and she did own a revolver what had sunday and her family done to warrant such treatment who knew cheryl s temper often raged out of control 2 for example sis applied to become a county sheriff she went through the initial interview and her background was investigated no problem but when she was examined by the psychiatrist to see how she would do under stress she could not pass the psychological profile no surprise there yet that little detail did not prevent her from owning and carrying a hand gun sunday had seen cheryl s loaded pistol laying out on her kitchen table the last time she was at her house obviously her sister was unstable that was proven when she threatened to kill her own sister s family sunday took that incident serious enough to let it be the last time she saw or spoke to her sister until many years had passed 3 several decades later after becoming senior citizens and not speaking with each other for over thirty years the sisters spoke their ill mother was living in sunday s home and john had given sissy sunday s phone number when she called the sisters spoke a few minutes while their mother napped sunday felt hope between her and her sis maybe time had healed 6

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glistening hope cheryl s real and imagined wounds sissy finished the conversation saying i ll call back later to talk with mom sunday was about to hang up and then theeerre s cheryl out of nowhere she stated i was deliberately cruel to you when we were kids because i hated you strong words indeed sissy continued in her sinister tone you were always mom s favorite john and i knew it sunday never heard anyone ever say that sunday was favored cheryl must have been jealous over whatever imaginary relationship she felt existed between sunday and their mom especially if cheryl had been told her mother favored her little sister her eerily familiar cruel comments propelled sunday back in time some fifty years she wondered back then and at that moment did sis know something about their dysfunctional family she didn t know or couldn t remember was she just waiting for sunday to ask why she hated her sister so she could really stick it to her as she often threatened in childhood for sunday it didn t matter any longer she thought you can t miss what you ve never had so here goes why do you hate me cheryl eager to express her contempt cheryl flatly stated how she had three good reasons at sunday s oh comment sissy cut loose she began reciting them as if reading from a printed list first of all she said i hate you because you threw yourself at my husband sunday had no idea what that meant they had been divorced for thirty-some years and her ex husband was dead for a good number of those cheryl paused waiting for her sister s defense sunday didn t speak and barely breathed after a very pregnant pause cheryl continued second i hate you because you hurt one of my kids at that sunday spoke up i never hurt your kids i only saw them twice when they were toddlers cheryl clarified that error no stupid when i was fifteen years old i helped my phys ed teacher as her class monitor you swung your necklace around and almost hit one of my kids in the face and when she asked you to stop you didn t that traumatized her typical preposterous sissy with such ridiculous and petty rationalizations sunday stated how she was unaware of such an event taking place with feigned concern she asked the alleged victim s name if cheryl had been in contact with her kid for the past forty years if her kid had a mental breakdown due to the trauma and if she was currently living in a mental institution because if that was the case sunday would like to apologize to her kid to which cheryl responded that s the other reason why i hate you i never liked talking with you because you always talked like that i hate you because you were born at that sunday said oh and directed the conversation back to their mother s health sis had nothing further to say but would call her mother later click sobering sure yet it was impossible for sunday to hate cheryl in return because of her convoluted thinking if anything sissy needed compassion for her idiotic brainwork in spite of her feeble mind and distorted perspectives they were biological sisters had that not been the case sunday wouldn t have had anything to do with the snide instigating back-stabber 7 1 2 3 4

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testimony of life however family mattered to her if a relationship could be had with her sister sunday wanted it although sunday learned to survive her sister well before the rock girls entered elementary school the geographical distance between both coasts separating them was a welcome buffer 1 cheryl was only two years older than sunday but loved bossing her around as if she were her warden mrs rock s abandonment shifted the household hierarchy significantly eight year old cheryl cooked a lot more and spent more special time with dad conversely six year old sunday just went to school and played although sissy probably resented that sunday was happy to not be promoted both girls had kid-size household chores but cheryl had certain adult responsibilities too it wasn t until much later that sunday realized what dad meant when calling cheryl his replacement wife why sunday was left back at the ranch when they went places and what they did together she s not sure how john was or wasn t demoted but he was treated by both cheryl and dad as someone holding a lowly position 2 dad interacted with cheryl and john much differently than with sunday he pretty much steered clear of her since she was about four years old that s when she dared to stick out her little hands and defiantly threatened to tell bonnie the next door neighbor if he did it again yet sunday loved dad if one could call it that at least she felt some sort of attachment to him as her caregiver even if only concealing her dependency she looked to him for signing school stuff checking her chores giving her allowance and mundane stuff like that living as a rock spanned many emotions in order to forget the vile treatment she forgave dad for during her first years not remembering freed her from being crippled by animosity forgiveness was innate within her it was a unique form of life negotiation if you will her survival hinged on it her emotional body evolved over time by detaching her mind from the rock life turmoil however she also maintained a healthy fear of dad throughout her youth unaware of the power implied by her bold threatening to tell move before kindergarten he was also afraid of her his mistrust of sunday showed by simply tolerating her 3 4 i was what some might call a late bloomer at fourteen years old i was just beginning to develop physically one evening after putting on my pajamas and brushing my teeth i was going to kiss dad good night as always i also routinely kissed him good-bye on his cheek whenever leaving the house kissing him was a ritual left over from other early indoctrinated habits which meant nothing to me i was shocked speechless when he grabbed my shoulders and pushed 8

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glistening hope me away while holding me there out from his body as far as he possibly could he said every time you get close to me i feel you re conning me emotionless i looked into his eyes and backed away as his hands dropped from my shoulders i stood there for a moment still looking and turned still looking then i walked away i never voluntarily touched him again not even on his hands not until forty plus years had passed perhaps he was uncomfortably enticed by her expectant puckering lips maybe he viewed her as a judas bearing the kiss of death the rock s emotionally stripped household reeked of suspicion and mistrust sunday s threatened snitch ten years earlier prevented him from further victimizing her but not the other pebbles all along sunday apparently acted a little too happy for everyone s taste like she had something up her sleeve her naturally sunny disposition helped fuel the household contempt while her heroic act though not ending the battle for personal sovereignty must have been vicariously admired by dad john and cheryl to some degree she summoned the courage her siblings didn t muster against their victimizing parents and the guts dad never rallied against his who perpetuated the same oppressive sexual mental and emotional abuse cycle probably like their parents did before them cheryl and john were in training to also be compliant pawns to maintain control the man of the house needed discipline while her siblings did what they were told sunday wasn t as easily corralled not that she acted badly but her la-de-da attitude and comments made dad uncomfortable and suspicious of her all the way around 2 fifty years later he said i always saw you as a free spirit you were different than your brother and sister i just gave them a look but not you perhaps that was his half hearted acknowledgment of her unique character while dad may have recognized something peculiarly admirable in the gutsy little girl living in his house he feared sunday s bravado as well the oppressive family secrets he held throughout his life kept him physically secluded and emotionally isolated secrecy was the habitual status quo he was raised to grin and bear it and needed to pass on that silent motto and i damn well better be obeyed usually followed one of his commands but that didn t apply to the baby of the family she had already drawn her line in the sand and the look he gave her siblings was inconsequential for her 1 3 her mom s family secrets rivaled dad s but the competition didn t lie there it was between maintaining the coveted silence separation and intimidation that was a full-time job especially since sunday not only asked questions she was a talker threatening to tell 9

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testimony of life made her a liability dad couldn t trust her and sunday s brother and sister didn t like her the result of her insurrection was sibling segregation she slept in her parent s bedroom to accomplish that until mrs rock moved out after she left the kids were separated out of necessity bedroom segregation would ensure the six year old blabber mouth snitch was not enlisting her sibling troops her volatile insubordination could infect the crew they might mutiny then what would happen 1 what mr rock was doing to the little pebbles was against the law he knew it was both wrong and criminal otherwise it wouldn t have been a secret maybe it was overly generous but as an adult sunday didn t believe he knew how much he was damaging the children he claimed to love no more than his parents realized the long term damage they were doing that created a sex offender out of their little baby boy regardless the perversions didn t stop so child life without adult sexual contact was unknown in the rock household 2 how dad came up with the sleeping arrangements was hard to say no doubt assigning the largest above deck bedroom to the big mouth youngest child did not go over well cheryl was in the smaller upstairs room and their brother occupied the basement bedroom directly below sunday s room with their captain throughout her childhood when a sibling erred dad often said you re in the brig now maybe he was keeping tabs on sunday s brig after dark listening for creaking floorboards under her footsteps she remembered him often appearing when she got up to use the bathroom during the night and wondering why he was there not realizing it then he was checking to make sure she went back to her own room maintaining separate quarters and micromanaging sunday required his vigilance anyway she was free of his special time upper and lower deck wanderings she moved out of the rock household immediately after graduating high school more about that later most of the rock life experiences were locked away in sunday s mind for decades they were buried until she was mature enough to begin processing the putrid memories all along she took the emotional strife in stride the continuous turmoil was all she had known although the real reasons were unstated for fifty years sunday s siblings proclaimed their hatred for their little sister with continuous ridicule and cutting remarks you weren t born you were let like a fart was one of john s colorful observations any retort was futile 4 yet sunday got what she wanted to be left alone dad for one didn t know how else to deal with her the kids however could not forgive her for not sharing their victimization and thereby lightening their loads they felt betrayed by one of their own the tidy brainwashing 3 10

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glistening hope wouldn t allow them to see it any other way before and especially after his you re conning me comment dad held cheryl up as the preferable specimen of young womanhood she was round and full figured sunday wasn t thank god while cheryl tried to lord her elevated position over sunday with degrading physical inferiority remarks her little sister somehow saw a bright side her happy disposition especially angered cheryl when trying to show off for one of her cronies at sunday s expense when little sis wouldn t yield whatever modicum of common sense cheryl possessed vacated the premises whenever she had an audience cheryl sought to display her control and elevate herself she expected servile behavior from sunday who she considered to be her lackey subordinate cheryl was compelled to orchestrate penny-ante schemes to disparage and humiliate sunday in front of others with her pejorative comments lacking the desired punch sunday often confronted cheryl for being the equivocating bully she was while her embarrassed peers looked on cheryl s pitiful attempts to psychologically puppet sunday were no match for her unique logic mortified cheryl usually retaliated for her chagrin and lack of sibling control by wrecking something sunday liked that hubris did not go over well with sunday nor with her etherial friends 1 john was less demonstrative than cheryl in most ways except one by seventeen he had already molested at least one female cousin and a little neighbor boy john moved onto the daughter of the family that bought the house after the little boy s family moved away there may have been other victims as well because he tried it with sunday thank god the little neighbor girl had a good relationship with her family she spilled the beans and john was caught but he was a minor it was his word against hers dad told sunday what john did and said i am taking him to a psychiatrist to see if it was just curiosity dad either didn t understand how john was copying him as his perverse mentor or he was covering his tracks things like that caused sunday to stay cloistered inside her inner world the protection of her room helped her survive john s sexual advances her sister s antagonizing verbal tirades and both of their physical punishments rubbing elbows with angry and vindictive relatives was just how it was in the rock household although the house was small privacy wasn t really an issue for sunday she had all she required a room to herself and a loud mouth still with only one bathroom in the little house when ya gotta go ya gotta go 2 one day when i was about ten my small bladder was about to explode john was hogging the bathroom as usual like many adolescent boys do he was in the curtain-less bathtub much longer than what i 11

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testimony of life 1 2 3 deemed necessary i knocked on the door telling him to hurry up several times i really had to pee after far too many minutes i knocked again and demanded hurry up john i gotta go now he responded with uh you can come in relieved i rushed in i pulled my pants and underwear down just enough so he couldn t see me i quickly slipped onto the commode and did my business that relieved only half of my tension i felt his pensive eyes as i turned my head toward him don t look i said i have to wipe and pull up my pants john was sitting in the tub with the pink bath mat on his lap looking squarely at me i felt uneasy hey do you want to see something he asked with a smile what i asked innocently sticking partly through one of the little half inch holes in the bath mat was the pink head of his penis he pointed there drawing my attention i strained to see it under the bath mat as the colors were similar maybe he mistook my peering as a sign of interest he said you can feel mine then i can feel yours okay then he removed the bath mat revealing his erection that was not the first time that sort of thing happened with him evidently i hadn t taken a strong enough stand previously i needed to that time i pulled my underwear and pants up in one quick motion i d wipe later that thing is ugly and you re a creep was my stern warning as i grabbed the door knob jerked the door open and exited the bathroom i felt triumphant when i slammed the door behind me but i didn t say anything to anyone at thirteen john was developing physically he would become a six-foot-four adult he was already pretty big in comparison to sunday three years his junior he was mad about his little sister s rebuff john and his fuming anger waited a few days until dad and cheryl were gone and he and sunday were alone in the house feeling superior in size and strength he tried to corner sunday in the kitchen saying you had no right to talk to me like you did in the bathroom i m going to teach you a lesson was a mistake when he advanced sunday detached and stood her ground until he got closer closer then whack right in the nuts her feet were clad in her heavy duty brown and tan saddle shoes her foot hit its soft target and john buckled over through his groans he cursed her and swore revenge to which she confidently said try it i have one more shoe just like that one but john didn t dare try it and never messed with her again he knew sunday had a big mouth she wasn t afraid to use her shoes were pretty big too watching the entire episode from outside of her body little did 4 12

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glistening hope she know it then but john s compulsion to feel up his baby sister prepped sunday for a future incident that would have sent many women screaming rape 1 2 3 4 about fifteen years later i was going through a divorce from my first husband he moved into his girlfriend s place months before the burper as i called her my three kids and i were living in a run down house and i was transportation-less riding the bus and walking with three young kids to every food charity joint in my county just wasn t cutting it my situation was dire and my absent husband hadn t paid any child support i needed to get my wage assignment papers in the mail pronto i hurriedly hiked to the post office near my home to expedite my errand i scaled a tall brick wall ran across a four lane highway cut through a park tripped over my own feet a few times and was quickly striding the remaining half mile to my destination focused i was deadlines do that way up on the right was the post office at the end of the busy appropriately named pain way about twenty yards ahead walking toward me was a clean-cut appearing young man of about twenty he was dressed in a colorful shirt baggy khaki shorts and sandals he seemed to be fidgeting with his pants tucking his shirt in i guessed not hardly as he got closer he pulled out his penis and shook it at me steely unmoved i looked at that shriveled thing and succinctly warned after everything i ve been through if you touch me i ll kill you not missing a beat i strode on determined fully in my body as i saw the head of the young man s penis i flashed back to the bathroom incident fifteen years earlier with john if need be my foot would have found its mark in one swift kick i would have stepped back on the ground and not missed a beat touch me if you dare i thought but he didn t i didn t even bother to turn my head around and look back to ensure my safety that was my resolve dealing with other people s boundary issues all her life made sunday both strong and prepared twenty years later well after her life changed for the better she could laugh about the wienie wag incident yet she still wondered what happened in that kid s life for him to do such a risky thing on the sidewalk of a residential street before a parcel of family homes 5 13

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testimony of life nearly anyone else would have screamed bloody murder at such a sight who could have known how far the dope may have taken his perversion had she not been focused and time restricted for getting the official uspo time and date stamp on her wage assignment papers she may have been assaulted or worse the cops would have come he would ve been prosecuted and spent the rest of his life on the sex offender registry or maybe in prison astonishing again god prepared her in advance for life s yet to come experiences thank you lord living on an emotional roller coaster not withstanding childhood sexual abuse was surreal for young sunday being well trained the siblings masterfully practiced the psychological rock oppression on each other especially her after infant initiation the rocks tried to indoctrinate their children to accept their lifestyle as their parents had done when to them as a twig is bent so grows the tree yet sunday was rigid god placed a spiritual electrode of awareness in her heart beyond her comprehension that kept her outside the rock s status quo while she unconsciously tried to fit into their shoes as old pictures show she couldn t walk their rocky path innate knowing said following in mr rock s work boots or in mrs rock s high-heeled steps would bring impossible to understand initiations she bore what she could yet there was still a price her stand cost her the family closeness she wanted for over half a century sadly the brand of affection she wanted was not what the rocks had to give eventually she made peace with that fact and got what she needed elsewhere 2 in the meantime the relationships between the rock children were non-empathetic their fermenting emotions continued to sour each year as they lost more of their childhoods innocent laughter and natural affection shriveled up like clay drying away from its mold so thoroughly bonded were they to the abuse that the siblings barely tolerated each other any laughter was at the other s expense they practiced hurt rather than love by taking their anger out on each other although they may have been animated with other kids and engaged in various peer activities their house was like a tomb of zombies 3 the rock children were emotionally vacant including sunday in many ways she appeared happy in her own little world around other people and when talking with her angel friends but concealing her frightened lonely and insecure feelings was the carefree youth stealing price of that toady charade if you can t beat `em join `em didn t apply to her who was she to blame when she was labeled as the blame could she join her siblings by hating herself and calling herself names not participating in their enmity equalled emotional banishment it was quite a quagmire for the inexperienced child there was no safe place for sunday to go but inward where her fairy friends nature spirits and fantasy world lived 1 14

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glistening hope until dealt with in future years the mind and body exploitation sunday experienced early on was bound to play out with her being a victim a victimizer or a combination there of to some degree unremembered infant incest made it impossible to understand how she was reacting to the old covert programming the sticky perverted psychological energy seemed to never let loose for years it had been running her life undetected like an unrestrained oligarchy no matter how far she rose from the mire destructive people and circumstances followed it was uncanny and difficult to realize how seemingly benign situations would unexplainably turn dicey like the time an innocuous seeming man she was dating showed her kids some porno magazines sunday didn t find out about that until twenty years later her children didn t know why they kept silent they knew she would have been on their side while that sticky energy is difficult to describe to those never touched by it it s 2 unmistakable to those who have been sexualized pre-verbally as with sunday that being said it would be inaccurate to assume or conclude that because the energy seems familiar that an incested person automatically shuns its negativity on the contrary sunday was inexplicably drawn to abuse in one form or another that unexplainable draw increased her humiliation and shame for staying in debilitating relationships she could not abide yet there she was on the other hand when an incest survivor has healed enough to integrate their 3 subjugated soul after the perverted emotional substance has been processed they can spot a pervert a mile away and run in the opposite direction that sick sense however requires time and healing to develop like a perverted magnet twisted sexuality silently attracts twisted sexuality as a relentless piece of gum stuck on the bottom of the prey s shoe perversion unknowingly stretches over time and space sex offenders and predators seem to sniff out those who ve been programmed for sexual abuse like a stud sniffs out a bitch in heat 4 that exact energy attracted parasitic behavior to sunday and would keep it in her life for a time during the disguised honeymoon phases the purveyors of sexual innuendo sought to draw out her curiosity attempting to entice her with certain acts of sexual pleasure when she didn t go along with the perversions the masquerading niceness was over they punished her for not being tempted for not taking the bait by stealing her stuff creating violent ruckuses or sabotaging her in some other way often such individuals are hard to get rid of several times she had to secretly move and hide herself and her kids to loose herself from the energy s tentacles like sexually deviant leeches offenders find easy targets that have been knowingly or unknowingly preyed upon in the past and siphon out of them whatever they can get including money such predators know exactly what to do for achieving their ends having played both victim and victimizer roles themselves at one time or another 1 15

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