p. 1

the best funny stories stories are powerful in the classroom these stories help both english language students and those students who struggle with literacy get the audio for all these stories plus others by playing this presentation or click the play button give one story to each student students tell the story in small groups trying not to read they keep changing groups trying to get better at telling the stories each time other students listen and try to guess the punchline play and share the best ones for the whole class using the presentation above enjoy visit http eflclassroom.com a free site helping students and teachers around the world when one teaches two learn

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it s the butcher an old woman was lonely she decided to get a pet she didn t have much money so she went to a second hand pet shop she saw many animals a three legged cat a dog without a tail fish that could only swim backwards and a beautiful bird that could only say one thing who is it she decided to buy the bird she bought a cage for her bird and went home she put the bird by the door and went downtown to do some shopping while she was gone a man knocked on the door who is it replied the parrot it s the butcher he said who is it repeated the bird it s the butcher said the man who is it asked the parrot it s the butcher said the man angrily who is it who is it it s the butcher he screamed it s the butcher the butcher the butch suddenly the butcher fell to the floor he had had a heart attack later that day the old woman came home and found the man laying on her doorstep she opened her door and asked the parrot who is it the parrot replied it s the butcher

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p. 3

the dog linda robinson was very thirsty so she went into a cafe there was an old woman in the cafe she was sitting near the door at a table at her feet under the table there was a small dog linda bought a glass of lemonade and some cookies she sat down at the table next to the old woman the old woman sat quietly she looked lonely linda decided to be kind and talk to the old woman it is very hot today she said yes but it is nice inside here replied the old woman linda looked at the dog and asked does your dog like people the woman answered oh yes she loves people linda wanted to give the dog a cookie so she asked does your dog like cookies they are his favourite food said the old lady linda was terribly afraid of dogs so she asked does your dog bite the old woman smiled and said no my dog is very tame she is even afraid of cats linda took a cookie in her hand and reached under the table she put it near the dog s mouth but the dog didn t bite the cookie she bit her hand linda jumped up spilling her lemonade she screamed i thought you said your dog didn t bite the old woman looked at linda and then at the dog then she said that s not my dog

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p. 4

the birthday present a woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present she didn t know what to buy her mother she only had one day to buy her mother something so she went out window shopping soon enough she walked by a pet store window she thought to herself what a lovely idea for a present my mother is so lonely and she needs a pet the woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals puppy dogs fluffy cats gold fish cute mice but the woman didn t think these were special enough she asked the manager if he had a pet that was really special the manager thought for a moment and replied yes but it costs a lot of money $5,000 i have a parrot that can speak 7 languages chinese english french korean german russian and even hindi the woman said perfect and bought the bird she sent it by special delivery to her mother so she would get it the next day the next evening after work the woman called her mother she asked how do you like your birthday present her mother replied thank you it s delicious

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p. 5

the salesman henry leech was a salesman he was a good salesman and sold lots of vacuum cleaners one week the manager sent henry into the countryside to sell he drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse he knocked on the door and the farmer s wife opened it henry started into his speech immediately mam how much time do you spend sweeping the floors a lot of time this is a farm and things get dirty quickly said the woman and how much time do you spend beating the carpets asked henry a lot of time this house gets dusty and my dog also lays on them well said henry this is your lucky day henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said you can clean the house in 5 minutes with this the farmer s wife didn t look interested henry took out a big bag of dirt he opened it and threw it all over the floor the farmer s wife was very surprised before she could speak henry said mam if this machine doesn t pick up every last piece of dirt i will eat all of it the farmer s wife looked at henry and said well i will get you a spoon we have no electricity

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p. 6

the genie a frenchman an englishman and a german were travelling in a boat from france to australia unfortunately the boat sank but the three men swam to a small island there was nobody on the island and the men waited for two months no boat came to rescue them they were very unhappy we will have to live here forever said the englishman we will have to eat bananas every day said the german we will never see our families again said the frenchman one day while walking along the beach they found a bottle they opened the bottle and out came a genie the genie said thank you for letting me out of the bottle i was inside for 500 years now i am free i will give you each one wish the german said i want to be back in german at a soccer game with a beer and sausage and singing songs in the stadium poof your wish is granted said the genie the german was back in germany the frenchman said i want to be at the dinner table with my family in france eating cheese drinking wine poof your wish is granted said the genie the frenchman was back in france the englishman just looked at the genie the genie said hurry up i want to enjoy my freedom the englishman thought for a moment and said i am rather lonely here can you bring back my two friends poof the german and the frenchman were back on theisland.

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p. 7

the architect one sunday an architect visited seoul korea he was there for a conference but had all sunday to explore the city he decided to take a taxi around the city and see lots of sites he paid the taxi driver $100 and said take me around seoul and show me all the sites the taxi driver was very happy for the business and started driving immediately they saw a big beautiful palace the architect said in a loud voice for he was from texas what is the building the taxi driver said that is gyeongbokgung it took almost 20 years to build ah that s nothing replied the american we could build that in a year in america the driver continued driving suddenly the texan saw a large domed building he asked what building is that the taxi driver said that is the national assembly it is the largest in asia the architect replied ah that s nothing back home we could build that in a few weeks the taxi driver continued driving they passed a very high gold building which shimmered in the sun the architect jumped up in his seat and screamed oh my god what building is that the taxi driver looked back at him and shook his head he said i don t know it wasn t there this morning

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p. 8

the suicides an american a frenchman and a korean were working on a skyscraper being built in seoul they worked hard all morning when it was lunch they took the elevator up to the top of the very high building and sat on the edge eating their lunches the american opened his lunch box and said damn peanut butter and jam sandwiches again if i get peanut butter and jam again i m gonna jump off this building the frenchman opened up his lunch mon dieu cheese sandwiches again if i get cheese sandwiches again i m gonna jump off this building the korean opened up his lunch box shxxxxx kimchee if i get kimchee again for lunch i m going to jump off this building the next day the 3 men did the same thing they worked hard all morning and then went up to the top of the building sat on the edge and began to eat lunch the korean looked in his lunch box first shexxxx kimchee he stood up and jumped off the building the american looked in his lunch box damn peanut butter and jam he stood up and jumped off the building the frenchman looked in his lunch box merde cheese sandwiches he stood up and jumped off the building the next day the newspapers were full of stories about the 3 construction workers who killed themselves everyone wondered why even the police had no answers a few days later at the funeral for the men the 3 wives were talking the korean s wife said i don t understand he loved kimchee and always asked me for it the american s wife said i don t understand either he loved peanut butter since he was a young boy the frenchman s wife said i don t understand either he made his own lunch everyday!

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p. 9

the lawyer and the lexus a very successful lawyer parked his brand-new lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues as he got out a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver s side the lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone dialed 911 and within minutes a policeman pulled up before the officer had a chance to ask any questions the lawyer started screaming hysterically his lexus which he had just picked up the day before was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it when the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief i can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are the cop said you are so focused on your possessions that you don t notice anything else how can you say such a thing asked the lawyer the cop replied don t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down it must have been torn off when the truck hit you my god screamed the lawyer my rolex

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p. 10

fish tale it was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake cut a hole in the ice dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite he was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line it only took about a minute and wham a largemouth bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish the old man couldn t believe it but figured it was just luck but the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one this went on and on until finally the old man couldn t take it any more since he hadn t caught a thing all this time he went to the boy and said son i ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble you have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish how do you do it to which the boy responded roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm what was that the old man asked again the boy responded roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm look said the old man i can t understand a word you are saying so the boy spit into his hand and said you have to keep the worms warm

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p. 11

the shopkeeper once there was a korean shopkeeper named mr park he lived in new york and had had a small corner store for 45 years he worked very hard 16 hours every day and he never took a holiday one day his daughter arrived at the store and found mr park lying on the floor he had had a heart attack she called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital he survived and was very weak resting in the hospital looked around his hospital room he asked in a weak voice are you there my dear wife yes she replied i am here my dearest mr park asked are you here my oldest son yes i am here replied his oldest son are you here my daughter mr park asked in a faint voice yes father i am here the daughter replied with a tear in her eye are you here my youngest son asked mr park yes papa i am here by your side said the baby of the family suddenly mr park s eyes grew big and threw off the bed covers and jumped up screaming a day later he awoke and slowly so then who is watching the store

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p. 12

stevie wonder one day stevie wonder the blind singer came to toronto to perform he was taken to his hotel room he decided to take a nap but didn t like the sheets he wanted silk sheets rather than bother the hotel staff he decided to go buy some himself he asked his personal manager if there was a store nearby where he could buy silk sheets the manager replied yes there is a big department store it is called canadian tire i can go buy you some stevie wonder didn t want to bother his manager he said just take me there i can get them i want the right kind so the manager took stevie wonder to the car and they drove to canadian tire upon arriving stevie wonder got out of the car and his manager tried to help him stevie wonder said let me go alone i can do it by myself stevie wonder went into the department store and went to the back all the staff was looking at him whispering and pointing oh my god it is stevie wonder stevie wonder was feeling around and things were crashing to the floor everything was falling everywhere as he searched the store manager went to his employees and said someone quick go help mr wonder a young teenager said i will he went to the back of the store where stevie wonder was busy crashing things to the floor and searching blindly the young clerk tapped stevie wonder on the shoulder and asked may i help you mr wonder stevie wonder turned around shook his head and said no i m just looking

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p. 13

the spy nigel cavendish was a famous british spy for over 20 years he went on important missions and stole important secrets from countries all over the world however his luck ran out one day he was captured by the russian government the british government said they didn t know anything about him he was taken to court and sentenced to death by firing squad on the day of his execution the weather was terrible it was raining cats and dogs and there was a cold north wind blowing fiercely the guards came to his prison cell and led him outside they walked in the pouring cold rain for almost half a kilometre it was muddy they were soaked and freezing to death they put nigel up against the wall and lined up to shoot him they asked him if he had any last words to say nigel said what horrible men you are ­ to bring me out to be shot on such a horrible day one soldier looked up at the dark sky and said i don t know what you are complaining about we have to walk back

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p. 14

the lion one day a lion was walking through the jungle he was young and very proud he met a snake and said who is the king of the jungle the snake said you are it did not make the lion angry and he smiled thirty metres later he met a monkey and asked monkey who is the king of the jungle the monkey said quickly you are the lion smiled and continued on his way next the lion met a crocodile he stopped and asked the crocodile who is the king of the jungle the crocodile didn t answer so the lion roared very loudly who is the king of the jungle the crocodile answered quickly you are the lion was satisfied and said next time answer quickly or i will eat you finally the lion met an elephant he stopped looked angrily at the elephant and asked elephant who is king of the jungle the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and dropped him to the ground the elephant kicked the lion and then jumped on top of him the lion was very surprised and hurt he got up shook the dirt off and shouted you don t have to get angry just because you don t know the answer

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p. 15

picasso a true story one day a famous art collector was having a party he had many famous paintings on his walls he saw one man studying his favourite painting which was above his fireplace he said to the man this is a real picasso the man shook his head he said i am an art expert this definitely isn t a real picasso it is a fake the art collector was shocked he called up his agent and asked to have a personal appointment with picasso the meeting was arranged and he flew to paris he went directly to picasso s studio and after climbing the stairs knocked on the door picasso shouted come in picasso was busy painting a large painting he quickly looked over his shoulder and asked what is it i m busy the art collector said mr picasso i only have one quick question can you please look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake picasso looked over his shoulder at it and quickly snapped it is a fake the collector thanked picasso and left one year later the collector returned to picasso s studio he walked up the stairs and knocked on the door picasso was busy painting and he angrily asked what is it the art collector said picasso sorry to interrupt but i have just one question can you look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake picasso looked over his shoulder and quickly replied it is a fake the man was shocked he said it can t be i was here last year and saw you yourself painting this very painting!picasso turned around and said sometimes i paint fakes.

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