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praise for option you get the feeling lyons planted a spycam in one of mr jobs s mock turtles new york times politically incorrect and breezy options skewers silicon valley with touches of bonfire of the vanities dilbert and revenge of the nerds san francisco chronicle a romp los angeles times a funny send-up of apple s ceo the go-go culture of silicon valley and the cult of mac iphone and ipod boston globe in the establishment-skewering tradition of voltaire cervantes jonathan swift and laurence sterne mac-slappingly funny the book is hilarious newsweek.com peppered with deft comic touches even the real steve jobs might want to pick it up for a quick self-enlightening way to pass some time on the jobs jet new york times book review a gleeful send-up of the real steve jobs set amid the recent stock options backdating scandal tech industry watchers who know or know of the players will get a kick out of seeing them skewered publishers weekly

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takes to a new level lyons s depth of understanding of all things steve jobs and stretches his steve jobs `voice to a place the blog could never go you ll chuckle and snort and you ll laugh at the over-the-top whimsy that is steve jobs cnbc.com s techcheck blog from between the plot lines of options bubbles a raw honest look at silicon valley culture fake steve s ruthless inner monologues about those around him ring truer than most nonfiction profiles of tech s movers and shakers by inserting himself into steve jobs s mythical oversize shoes mr lyons has exposed the entertaining humanity behind the machines wall street journal

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option the secret life of steve jobs a parody by fake steve jobs da capo press a member of the perseus books group

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to l s p b and m b much love namaste peace out many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks where those designations appear in this book and da capo press was aware of a trademark claim the designations have been printed in initial capital letters copyright © 2007 by fsj media llc all rights reserved no part of this publication may be reproduced stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic mechanical photocopying recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of the publisher printed in the united states of america designed by jill shaffer set in 11 point sabon by eclipse publishing services cataloging-in-publication data for this book is available from the library of congress first da capo press edition 2007 first da capo press paperback edition 2008 isbn-10 0-306-81741-1 isbn-13 978-0-306-81741-0 published by da capo press a member of the perseus books group www.dacapopress.com da capo press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the united states by corporations institutions and other organizations for more information please contact the special markets department at the perseus books group 2300 chestnut street suite 200 philadelphia pa 19103 or call 800 810-4145 ext 5000 or e-mail special.markets@perseusbooks.com 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 09 08

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while some of this book is based on real events and people much of the book including the dialogue thoughts and attitudes attributed to characters is purely fictional and invented by the author to enhance its parody value.

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contents prologue part one trouble in jobs land 1 5 93 195 245 part two dark night of the steve part three enlightenment epilogue vii

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sometimes i feel like a great chef sometimes i feel like a great chef who has devoted his entire life to monastic study of the art of cooking gathered the finest ingredients built the most advanced kitchen prepared the most exquisite meal so perfect so delicious so extraordinary more astounding than any meal ever created yet each day i stand in my window watch ninety-seven percent of the world walk past my restaurant into the mcdonald s across the street fsj viii

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prologue your average frigtard probably figures i ve got it pretty sweet i m one of the richest people in the world and i m hailed everywhere as the most brilliant businessman of all time i m lean and handsome with close-trimmed hair and a sean conneryesque salt and pepper beard and i m famous like people magazine famous like everywhere i go people recognize me and they get all weird around me and you know what i love it i never get tired of it if there s one thing i can t stand it s retards like britney spears who say they wish they weren t famous come on if you really feel that way then give away all your money turn your wigger spawn over to child protective services which let s face it is where they ought to be anyway and move your cottage cheesy ass to a hut in tibet what s that yeah that s what i thought so shut up what s even cooler is that i m not famous for being some steroid-taking action movie star or illiterate dick-grabbing rapper or moronic freak-of-nature basketball player i m famous for being a genius and for running the coolest consumer electronics company in the world which i totally started in my garage by myself or actually with this other guy but he s out of the picture now so who cares i m famous because the devices i create are works of art machines so elegantly crafted and industrially designed that they belong in a museum my imac computers and ilife software restore a sense of childlike wonder to people s lives and bestow upon their owners a sense that they are more intelligent and even well better than other people i also invented the friggin ipod have you heard of it 1

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people ask me all the time what motivates me it s not the money there s already way too much money so much that i can t even remember how much there is i never really cared about money anyway i could wipe my butt with hundred dollar bills that s how little i care about money i actually did that once to recap i m a handsome famous spiritually gifted genius and i wipe my ass with money no wonder people are jealous of me i understand i d be jealous of me too yet what most people don t realize is that in many ways the life of el jobso is not always so fantastic i travel too much i work too much i sleep too little i rarely take a day off i ll be honest it s a hard life it s like bono always says when we re hanging out people think being a rock star is just nothing but sex and drugs and having fun but it s a grind man it really is but the really tough thing about being super brilliant and successful is that people get jealous and they try to knock you down a peg in my case the top-seeded jealous frigtard i ve ever encountered was a united states attorney named francis x doyle a big sweaty blockhead who one day decided that he wanted to run for governor of california and who figured that the best way to launch his career would be to prosecute a highprofile celebrity ceo why not right eliot spitzer worked this same scam bringing charges against dudes on wall street and now he s governor of new york so doyle and his tiny sidekick a young lawyer named william poon i swear i am not making this up decided to take down el jobso they sat up there in their ugly office in san francisco pecking away at their windows laptops plotting and scheming making phone calls to the sec and leaking information to the press fatman and robin we used to call them or inspector clouseau and kato i wasn t their only target these idiots went after dozens of companies in silicon valley they concocted a fairy tale about 2

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greedy executives lining their pockets and cheating investors and of course the nitwits in the press bought the whole story and ran with it because let me tell you something if there s any group of people in the world who are suckers for a story about evil rich people it s the filthy hacks in the media these spiteful hateful small-dicked losers spend their entire lives in a constant state of jealousy and resentment here s their job description interview people who are richer more successful and more interesting than you are then take cheap shots at them in print they re parasites they re leeches to overcome the shame of what they do these conniving bastards convince themselves that they re saving the world by exposing all those rich successful interesting people as phonies which is ridiculous but whatever no doubt you ve heard what happened to me you ve read the stories about the big scandal at apple the fact is you ve heard only one side you ve heard a distorted tale based on leaks and lies fabrications and falsehoods created by prosecutors government flunkies and media hacks now it is my turn and believe me my lies and fabrications and falsehoods are way more convincing than theirs 3

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part one trouble in jobs land

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