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the idiot s dictionary simple thoughts about selected words and the gagaism manifesto by david deubelbeiss

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when i use a word humpty dumpty said in rather a scornful tone it means just what i choose it to mean neither more or less the question is said alice whether you can make words mean so many different things the question is said humpty dumpty which is to be master that s all lewis carroll alice in wonderland © 2010 by i m press isbn 978-1-257-84032-8 printed in the whole wide world

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about the author david deubelbeiss is a writer and educator presently living in seoul korea he has traveled around the world living in many countries with his children books a working man s intellectual he espouses the philosophy of live simply simply live about this book this book was written over 20 years ago over a few days a result of my own foerster s syndrome a kind of lexical illness which i suffer gladly both an incessant need to pun and an uncontrollable reflex of seeing meaning within words a kind of inability to see the forest word for the trees the sounds meanings but i ve lived with it and learned to control it still ever so often this jabberwooky this moloch and primordial beast attacks and i m back in the land of the idiot s dictionary

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i ve written a lot about the power of words over the years see my previous book ­ the unbearable lightness of being a teacher for those i ve studied and been influenced by all the creative writers poets who ve pushed the frame of reference in which language lives valery mallarme stein breton borges gass calvino e.e cummings to name just a very very few the gagaism manifesto born of the same time as the dictionary at the end of this book ­ stands as my own theory of language in the world i make no apologizes for the fact that you won t understand many of the definitions most will simply appear crude or even bother you but trust me there is a lot of meaning and depth written into each one if you are reading on the surface you ll invariably not find any gold just a few specks will fall in your pan the definitions generally fall into 4 broad categories 1 word splicing where the words are surgically taken apart and given new referents ie forest a good place for rest 2 double entendres a figure of speech is given a new interpretation new light is show on it and by that a new origin is unveiled ie buzz off bees turning off their buzz so as not to

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annoy 3 word and sound play words or sounds are given a new context that reveals something about the definition/meaning ie fit not fat 4 displacement the usual definition is jarred or fractured by describing it in an unusual or contrary way ie limp what a french imp does but at the end of the day it all does come down to the pun ­ that most lucid beacon of intelligence a knot of two thoughts tied together a dagger through the mind a bisociative act that takes us back to the dawn of consciousness and into our primitive mind this in essence however you deconstruct it is the idiot s dictionary one last thing to emphasize my use of the word dictionary and this book as an attempt to delegitimize and disempower this book is my belief that we the people should have control of the language ­ not the websters and murdochs of the world a dictionary is not a definitive source but rather an interpretation this book my small attempt to put a dent in the prescriptive armor we wear as we walk the world in the flesh born of the word

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acknowledgements this book is dedicated to my dearest mother and to all mothers they alone see what is hidden ­ the force and fuse that drives the flower thanks to all those that have put up with my puns my poetry and my intense love affair with the word grateful acknowledgement is made to clip art from ­ http clker.com/clipart with special thanks to member ocal

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a the first letter of the alphabet aleph the head alpha not omega a start like the art of an aardvark always adding to the earth abattoir a slaughterhouse lt used to be a place where animals were killed with bats but now with a kinder gentler nation and technology we use quieter means abbey a place for spiritual regeneration contemplation where one obeys abet to stop oneself from making a lot of money usually by gambling making a lot of bets ability someone has this when they can make a lot of cash quickly abraham descendant of ham the first african ls this why we say abracadabra abreast two things side by side this gives the illusion they are one academic a plague of lifeless individuals who with and through their specialized introspection have infested the body of knowledge with gibberish the only known cure is called the university a model of the universe

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which this virus takes as being the real world thus tricked the academic s virus becomes dormant and the academic is able to live in this artificial world of wine and cheese parties simpleposings and youthful indifference see babble academy a place where cads cadets meet and talk about women adam hebrew word for earth adamah man was made trom earth clay and will return to the earth this was how god first got into trouble got his hands dirty adamant was adam adamant with the lord about the need for a mate did he utter a damn it when she appeared did eve come in the evening see evening administrative assistant entry level dead end job which pays the minimum wage and entails a maximum amount of kissing ass usually this position is advertised under the bold headline exciting opportunity at least it furnishes a modicum of respectability at cocktail parties when people inquire what do you do and you can answer in the longest breath possible synonym gofer go for it see executive assistant

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adultery sleeping with someone other than one s spouse a behaviour adults are only capable of adventure something entailing excitement danger not the ordinary the starting up of a mass market magazine this also becomes an admission a very weighty but profitable affair ie vanity fair agree one degree of one mind agrophobia the fear of farming common to many city dwellers so confined they are in their little boxes aids to help towards death but why should we need help why us virus a lot to have much originally meaning to have much salt a one time valued commodity lot had a lot because his wite turned into a pillar of salt he repented and lived righteously his food richly laden with salt allowed aloud the scream of i can alphabet letters/characters representing sounds a bet an attempt to capture and give

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permanence to sounds the bet wasn t won until the bell sounded alexander that is did he collect amusing funny spirited what the poet does when with wine glass in hand he sings for the table he is a musing looking for beautiful immortal love amid the chaos of sounds letters faces anathema the feeling of disgust we get when having to listen to another terribly creative rendition of the national anthem while anxiously awaiting the start of the game people are also known to break out in sores due to the stress anglophone a phone that only responds to the english language these unsurprisingly enough are almost exclusively found in english speaking countries artificial an art critic to go arye to be lost confused after drinking copious amounts of rye most abstaining alcoholics go arye with rye hard core drinkers might retort that one must first lose oneself in order to be found i have found many bottles of rye when in need of going arye

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but never have i found myself in one not even surrealistically a stroke of luck a hole in one askew a crooked pool cue assault to attack using force once long ago salt was a very precious commodity many caravans transporting salt were attacked assaulted asylum noun a safe place away from those who would do one harm can one seek asylum in an asylum is it safe for the insane those in sanity to be herded together in asylum see bedlam attempt to try to do something we ternpt fate every time we truly try to do something in our own light through our own freedom all worthy action is done with temptation in mind tempted by the devil as we always are attention to be in a state of tension auto name of a small vehicle originates from the name of it s german inventor otto benz why isn t a light bulb called an edison?

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well at least light bulbs are light.

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babble to talk without sense non sense as in lt is all greek to me hasn t greek culture made the most sense but of course with don t understand it to the letter originates from the biblical story of the tower of babylon where the people of mesopotamia decided to build a tower to heaven so they could share in the spoils and splendour of paradise brought to earth god being the ultimate penultimate narcissist was too lazy to destroy the tower but instead made everyone speak a different tongue language unable to work together to communicate and here it might be bene ficial to think about marx s theory on the origins of language as necessarily evolving from proliteriate man s attempt to work together on the first communal work project they disbanded and scattered to the four corners of the globe if that is possible giving us the magnificently multilingual world we have today bacon francis lord chancellor of england in the 1600 s who went to the trough too often and was disgraced when sentenced to life imprisonment for corruption and embezzlement an advocate of the monarchy and the well fed he is mostly remembered for his expounding of the

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view that science gave man power over nature and was a panacea for man s ills over inflated reputation memorable name sounds a lot like frying bacon baddillax a lemon of a cadillac band from the word to bend to wrap around thus bending the first musical bands were circles of performers who played while people danced amid their circle their band now with more geometrically linear thinking bands have become straighter the music has been broken up and stretched out into a line bandana a head band they were first worn by banana pickers to keep the sweat from their eyes as they looked up at the trees perhaps envious of the monkeys they once had so leisurely been bankrupt to cause a rupture in the bank s profit statement due to your inability to pay synonymous with the phrase to go for broke with banks being so driven not to save money but to make money and produce a large profit statement the real rate of bankruptcy has decreased as banks invest not in people s dreams but paper dreams see profit motive

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barge a large flat bulky vessel used for transporting bulky goods usually raw materials very cumbersome and prone to barging into things bark 1 the skin covering a tree 2 the sound an english dog makes so does a pekingese or a chihuahua bark and what about a german shepherd dogs are always barking up the the wrong tree barometer a breathalyser and why don t we say breath-analyser at a drinking establishment lt tells us whether it might rain on our party or not a basket case insane or crazy little bed riding hood was a basket case why did she go out in the dangerous woods alone why did she not recognize the wolf how could he have looked like her grandmother another fine example is the easter bunny why should a bunny bring eggs why not a hen barbarian greek word for both foreigner and a stutterer bar bar ous foreigners with their incomprehensible mouthings seemed to be stuttering and barking.

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