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why are women so confusing to men how porn affects wives single with honour newsstand price cdn $4.95 may ­ june 2010

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sea of galilee request your free israel music dvd today www.yourfreeisraeldvd.com

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contents may ­ june 2010 on the cover may ­ june 2010 newsstand price cdn $4.95 14­24 seven wonders about women publisher brian koldyk managing editor doug koop pulse editor robert white why are women so confusing to men how porn affects wives single with hono ur women play a major role in the lives of almost every man it all begins with mother of course after that it gets more complicated this edition of seven helps to unravel at least some of the mysteries surrounding the women in our lives features 14 why men find women confusing the co-author of men are like waffles women are like spaghetti offers insight advice and perspective 16 strike back at porn two canadian christian women share their stories how can a fiancée or wife become a man s biggest ally in his battle with porn 19 it s enough to make you weep two of promise keepers biggest fans are women 20 how to raise your daughters well stephen arterburn shares seven ideas for fathers who want to raise great daughters 22 single with honour a single man discusses what it means to be honourable in his relationships with women 24 mothers wives and daughters jarome iginla and bruxy cavey talk about the women in their lives 25 man talk who s spotting for you columns 5 pk podium honour the women in your life 6 sex talk bring on the boundaries 26 money matters need a money makeover 27 out of my depth the silence of adam 34 what women want the control charade departments 8-12 pulse curious events interesting people good ideas 12 reviews confront crazy world creatively 28 power play tools toys technology advertising account executives william leighton william@christianweek.org darrell friesen darrell@christianweek.org jim hicks jhicks@christianweek.org unless otherwise indicated neither christianweek nor promise keepers canada guarantee warrant or endorse any product program or service advertised editorial advisory board kirk giles promise keepers canada jeff stearns promise keepers canada phil wagler kingsfield zurich mc sandra reimer reimer reason communications doug koop christianweek distributed by promise keepers canada 1295 north service road po box 40599 burlington on l7p 4w1 905 331-1830 subscriptions@promisekeepers.ca postmaster please send address changes to po box 40599 burlington on l7p 4w1 issn 1916-8403 cover istockphoto base image editorial and advertising office 204-424 logan avenue winnipeg mb r3a 0r4 phone 204 982-2060 800 263-6695 admin@christianweek.org dkoop@christianweek.org design indigo ink studios www.indigoinkstudios.com seven is a christian magazine for canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies the name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the promise keepers organization which works with churches to minister to men across canada one ­ a promise keeper is committed to honouring jesus christ through worship prayer and obedience to god s word in the power of the holy spirit two ­ a promise keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises three ­ a promise keeper is committed to practising spiritual moral ethical and sexual purity four ­ a promise keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love protection and biblical values five ­ a promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of the church by honouring and praying for his pastor and by actively giving his time and resources six ­ a promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity seven ­ a promise keeper is committed to influencing his world being obedient to the great commandment see mark 12:30-31 and the great commission see matt 28:19-20 seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 3

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unleashed unleashed 1 biblical manhood 2 sexual purity 3 better husbands 4 better fathers one on one leadership coaching from experienced and wise men of god peer mentoring with other men on the same journey as you are a smaller more focused event ­ limited to approximately 50 participants with small groups of up to only 8 ­ participants build meaningful relationships with each other and with the promise keepers canada leaders a weekend retreat where you can experience in-depth training to discover how to become a better equipped godly man four different weekend retreats what is discipleship training do you have a desire to grow deeper in your faith do you want to learn more about the key areas of a man s life go to www.promisekeepers.ca or phone toll-free 1-888-901-9700 for information on a weekend retreat taking place near you

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pk podium honour the women in your life the way men treat women is a picture of our own attitude towards god by kirk giles a common question i receive during media interviews usually goes something like this why a ministry for men what about the women as i talk further with these reporters it does not take long to recognize a couple of similarities it is almost always a woman asking the question and she is usually asking because she was at some point emotionally or physically hurt by a man in her life the way many men have treated women as objects for personal pleasure or as emotional or physical punching bags provides a legitimate reason for people to have concerns about any organization that works solely with men what are we teaching these men in this edition of seven we hope to answer that question by encouraging and challenging us as men to better understand and honour the women in our lives honour is not only the absence of doing harm to women it is the presence of doing good i have the privilege of knowing three remarkable women who have and are shaping my own life my mom has taught me how to persevere and remain faithful to christ my wife shannon is the perfect partner in life for me i do not have enough space to describe what a gifted and loving person she is my daughter sydney touches my heart and lights up my life with her smile it is easy for me to get busy with life or to get frustrated with personality differences and to take these three and other women for granted sometimes it is easier for men to live in their own world and not even attempt to really relate to much less honour the women in their lives however god calls us to action honour is the action of revering or respecting someone for who they are in the bible we are specifically called to honour our mother ephesians 6:2 and our wife 1 peter 3:7 just in case we are tempted to only honour our mom and wife we are ultimately called to honour everyone 1 peter 2:17 this is not limited to our anniversary or mother s day it is to be a constant way of life ultimately the way men honour and respect or don t women is a picture of our own attitude towards god in genesis we are told that male and female are made in the image of god when we honour the women god has brought into our lives we are acknowledging the reality that they were also created to reflect god to this world at promise keepers canada it is our hope that by working with men not only will women be free from men who abuse and use them but that women all across this nation will experience men who intentionally honour them kirk giles is president of promise keepers canada he and shannon have been married for 15 years they are the parents of four children ages 7-14 seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 5

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sex talk bring on the boundaries healthy limits can protect vulnerable relationships by doug weiss recently i picked up my 16-year-old daughter s cell phone and found some sexually explicit text messages on it when i confronted her it didn t go well i want to take the phone from her what should i do the prevalence of sexting inappropriate communication and pictures is a huge problem in junior high and high school everywhere but don t go down the i am a mean dad road on this one outline the boundaries of how your daughter can use the phone that you pay for such as no boys you don t know no boys over a certain age no bullying texts no sex texts or sex pictures or porn of any kind have her sign off on these boundaries and together create consequences that should include not using the phone for a period of time also outline what your protocol will be if sexual content is exchanged such as contacting the school the other person s parents meeting those parents and confronting the issue know your legal options as a dad call the police department for information and exercise your rights if the sexual messages do not desist i am a dad of a beautiful 15-year-old and all technology in our house including cell phones television and computer games has boundaries and is earned by appropriate grades privileges are lost if there are infractions technology is not a right it is a privilege if the privilege is abused call the phone company and cancel your child s number or account you must especially protect your young daughter from boys who are looking at porn more than ever she needs a dad who is not afraid of her rage and who does not mind if she doesn t like you for a while in order to protect her purity and future i encourage all of us to pray that god would expose our children s secrets before they get to be real pain for them prayer does still work on our honeymoon i found out my wife had been sexually abused as a child it really affected things in the bedroom how can we begin to deal with this as a man you probably feel angry betrayed and hurt that she didn t tell you about this until your honeymoon once you get through some of these feelings and compassion fills your heart for the woman you love who didn t ask to be hurt then your journey begins in counselling we ask who owns the problem unfortunately the victim of abuse and i am one has to take full responsibility to heal full responsibility not to allow the enemy to define their sexuality and fully go through the healing process to be the person god designed them to be depending on when the abuse started who the perpetrator was and how often this occurred there can be significant damage damage control is what god does he is also good at healing i recommend she get professional help from a christian counsellor wherever you go be supportive and insist that healing is part of your new marriage story that the two of you are writing with the lord my 15-year-old daughter is way too clingy with her boyfriend in public it makes me nervous about what they are like in private my wife thinks they are fine i m going to have a heart attack leave it alone or do something every man wants to harm his daughter s boyfriend when he sees this behaviour but let s first take a look at how you relate to your daughter how often does she get real emotional affirmation about who she is not just how pretty she is how well do you know your daughter s heart how involved are you in her life do you know her core friends what are your family s expectations for dating does she decide when and who she goes out with or do you both decide does the boy need to meet you are there established timelines for physical affection do you talk to the boy and make him accountable to you for these expectations or is it up to your daughter to decide how far boys go most dads fail on the first part then expect to compensate later date your daughter share your feelings regularly so she gets used to a healthy man pray with her regularly and it is totally appropriate to talk to the young man directly and lay out expectations limit private time you re still the parent as a dad you will be hated at times and that s okay your daughter needs your protection but also your love encouragement and hugs she needs you to pray with her showing her what a man is becomes way more important than punching out a consequence for her choices because she is attracted to weak men be aware of her experiences with you first look at your own life connect with her heart establish boundaries and expectations expect some conflict pray really hard it s not a bad idea to pray with the boyfriend either douglas weiss ph.d is a licensed psychologist and executive director of heart to heart counseling center in colorado springs co he has appeared on oprah dr phil and many other national media outlets contact him by e-mail at heart2heart@xc.org or visit his website at www.drdougweiss.com seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 6

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canada s keeper e p ro miss visit www.promisekeepers.ca for promise keepers clothing men s ministry resources great books and event recordings www.promisekeepers.ca

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pulse curiousities personalities ideas information by robert white pulse editor ora and labora in the 21st century kirk bartha has taken the rhythms of prayer and work ora and labora found in the ancient monasteries of europe and applied them to 21st century living in his book clairvaux manifesto bartha writes how bernard of clairvaux founded the cistercians an order of monks who didn t hide in their abbeys instead they developed skilled trades and agriculture opened hospices and took part in international banking systems which helped europe pull out of the dark ages it wasn t about cloister says bartha it was about likeminded men and women who decided to walk a spiritual path when all christians thought it was the end of the world bernard went upstream into the darkest corners of the deepest forest to create abbeys of prayer and work some scholars argue that the cistercians saved europe bartha s begun by creating what the monks called a circle of quiet within the clamour of evil psalm 94:12 his canmore alberta open-concept home features both an open space where family comes first and a place of rest and peace open to the community-at-large where there are circles of quiet where there s peace in the home front the peace of god moves out like a supernova into the community says bartha a former pastor and staff member with the billy graham evangelistic association of canada bartha s also created a vision for modern-day cities of refuge based on the monks vow of charity which was more about pooling resources together than living in poverty all these men pooled their lives and resources together and welcomed the poor into [their midst says bartha he envisions hundreds and thousands of men in canada with all kinds of different skills and expertise levels of income and experience pooling together their hearts prayers work and pennies to work in ways that are just as big as our gathering through his work as ceo of calgary s woodthorpe petroleum bartha launched clairvaux ventures now he s developing partnerships the ceo of a british philanthropy program a banker in hong kong a businessman in newfoundland to change the fabric of society some can bury their heads in the sand and wait for the end of the world if they want to that s not my call i m going to build circles of quiet abbeys of prayer and work and whole cities of refuge says bartha talking to kids about sex often mom s job despite decades of feminism and co-parenting men grappling with diaper changes and night feedings moms are often the ones who end up having the sex talk often it s because they re the parent who spends the most time with the children if there is a woman in the household she takes over that part of the parenting says andrea o reilly associate professor at the school of women s studies at york university and founder and director of the association for research on mothering women are typically the family ceo in charge of remembering who got which shots and setting up play dates having the talk falls into that realm the talk is part of a larger paradigm of gender until we dislodge that women will probably be the ones to have `the talk i try to de-gender caregiving but it s a hard sell o reilly says she believes the talk is declining in importance in any case we live in such a sex-saturated culture kids know about sex long before children 10 20 30 years ago did o reilly says she sees the information she s given to her three teenagers as part of an ongoing discussion about sex that takes place whenever the moments arise sometimes those moments occur when her partner is in charge and then he does the explaining you have to create a household where kids feel comfortable coming to you to ask questions she says o reilly says she and her partner have created a household where we talk about sex and sexuality the way we talk about politics or the news www.parentcentral.ca kirk bartha seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 8

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edmonton records a golden flush edmonton s water utility epcor published an incredible graph of water use after the vancouver olympics with up to 80 per cent of canadians watching the men s gold medal match on the last sunday of the games it seems most waited until the breaks between periods to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water the city saw major spikes and drops in water use during the game while the game was being played water use dropped during period breaks and after the medal ceremony water use went up as viewers turned on the taps or flushed says mike gibbs epcor spokesman during the periods consumption was very very low much lower than it is normally he said it shows people are watching the game very intently when sidney crosby scored the winning goal sealing the deal on canada s gold medal glory water demand reached a low of 320 ml per customer and stayed there during the medal ceremony the day before water demand hovered above 400 ml per customer after the medal ceremony water use spiked drastically to 460 ml as spectators whet their whistles relieved themselves or finally got to that load of laundry gibbs says www.patspapers.com www.theglobeandmail.com photo robert white paul henderson knows where he s going where was henderson when sid the kid scored sidney crosby s gold-medal winning goal has become this generation s equivalent to paul henderson s canada-russia series-winning goal in 1972 and when henderson is asked where he was when crosby scored he ll have a unique answer henderson didn t even see crosby s goal reported the toronto star he had to hear about it from someone attending the marriage conference that he and his wife eleanor were leading in victoria henderson missed the first period of the game because of a session but managed to catch the second and third overtime just happened to coincide with the next session i had to go speak but i told the audience that if anybody had an ipod or anything if canada scores just yell it out he told the star so about 15 minutes into the talk a guy jumps up and says crosby scored the place just went nuts and for the first time in my life i led the singing of o canada henderson 67 is still asked about the goal although there was a time when he didn t appreciate the fame after jumping to the world hockey association henderson moved to birmingham alabama where he intended to stay after retiring but henderson wasn t able to get a u.s work permit he moved back to canada when he realized god was telling him how his fame could open doors to ministry and witness henderson took the goal and the experience of a weekly gathering of men for sharing discipline and mentoring and translated them into ministry to men in canada in november 2009 henderson was diagnosed with an incurable form of lymphoma in a december 2009 interview on the drew marshall show henderson said the diagnosis has helped make the trivial and the important in his life crystal clear he also said despite the cancer there s this wonderful inner quietness and peace that i don t have to fear the future i know exactly where i m going seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 9

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pulse gold medal game delayed flight only in canada would a flight get delayed for a hockey game air canada president calin rovinescu told a vancouver business gathering one of his company s scheduled flights sat on the tarmac as passengers finished watching the men s gold medal match between canada and the u.s on the final day of the olympic games he says travellers on the montreal-bound flight couldn t be persuaded to board the plane while play continued instead they watched the game on airport departure screens passengers on board air canada flights around the world during the canada-u.s showdown were updated of the score by the flight crew who received real-time updates from operations control finding balance campus minister s biggest challenge the greatest challenge for steve strongitharm campus for christ ottawa campus director is the same many men have finding the right balance between family work and ministry strongitharm s been involved with campus ministry since his days as a university student in the late 1990s he began working for campus for christ about six years ago spending his first three years between york university and the university of toronto three years ago he moved to ottawa to minister on the campuses of carleton university and the university of ottawa our vision is to equip students as spiritual multipliers says strongitharm and to give every student an opportunity to discover christ whether on a mass level focussed on specific students such as engineers or business students or one-on-one strongitharm and his team meet with christian students and get to know their friends look for people on campus to talk to or create events for sharing the message of christ one of the more popular events was a campus-wide debate in september 2009 on the topic does god exist between the two campuses we had 1,300 students come to hear the debate says strongitharm there s a real spiritual interest students in general have many misconceptions about christianity when we talk about the bible of the gospel students understanding is different from what our understanding may be we re not going into a conversation with the assumption they know who jesus is or have a strong personal belief in god s existence working full time to reach students on two campuses often photo courtesy steve strongitharm university chaplain steve strongitharm connecting with one of his team members

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stretches strongitharm especially in the area of balance he and his wife robyn like to involve the students they re working with in their life so the students can see them as a family that experience often helps the students understand why the father of two with a third on the way schedules appointments the way he does it continues to be a challenge to figure out where that balance lies says strongitharm it s one i m still learning but i ve learned a lot in the past five or six years god s been teaching me and i ve found a healthier balance right now marriage helps men cope with health issues married men cope with health issues better than single men because marriage protects them against such shocks reports a new canadian study in looking at statistics canada data on canadian households between 1999 and 2002 university of british columbia researchers found that when a husband s ill health affects his ability to earn a salary his wife steps in to fill the gap what surprised the researchers was how the wives responded wives didn t do the expected work longer hours to replace lost of income instead they offered what ubc economics professor and lead researcher giovanni gallipoli called additional caring services at home these included freeing their husbands from looking after savings and investments and driving the children to various activities if a health shock affects the labour supply of the main earner the second earner could go to the market and work more to bring more money to the house gallipoli told the vancouver sun but we don t find that and instead of forcing a couple to make do with less the findings showed these caring services created their own financial reward in the long run gallipoli says their human movein communities love their neighbours groups of christians are intentionally moving into high-needs neighbourhoods with the goal of loving their neighbours praying and impacting their communities for christ movein www.movein.to operates in some 42 patches some of the country s poorest neighbourhoods many are in toronto although there are also movein communities in edmonton mississauga and ottawa movein teams are generally young recent graduates young couples students and young families according to its website the main commitment of a movein team is to pray together for a full evening per week they express love to their neighbours by integrating work shopping walking home life and in reaching out a `cup of cold water in one hand and the good news in the other movein focuses on unreached and high-needs neighbourhoods usually apartment-building clusters in and around cities these patches are usually no bigger than 500 by 500 metres in area some are 200 by 200 metres with as many as 10,000 people living in the area the size of these patches means everything is within walking distance potential patches are gauged by economic e.g percentage below the poverty line familial e.g domestic violence rates social e.g community spirit safety crime rates gang activity environmental e.g pollution levels cleanliness and spiritual needs it isn t a program or a project says movein founder paul name has been changed in a mb herald interview it s not some experience then you go back to your normal lives movein is our new lives it s time for christians to move into neighbourhoods because they aren t safe to move into neighbourhoods that are messy and have high crime rates high poverty rates low standards of living and a disproportionate representation of christ says paul it s always been my ambition to preach the gospel where christ wasn t known so i wouldn t be building on someone else s foundation www.canadianchristianity.com amazing works of god s power are manifested today seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 11

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capital will appreciate and there s more money in the household so it s beneficial to both parties the study also found a connection between a man s health and the importance he places on marriage men at high risk of receiving idiosyncratic shocks the report notes value marriage early in life when they re poor in assets and human capital while all men value marriage at the late stages of their working life as they approach retirement and periods of high health risk today s family news/focus on the family canada let kids decide their after-school activities parents often hope that with the right training their kids can become world-class athletes or entertainers but montreal child psychologist amir georges sabongui believes parents really may be contributing to burnout and depression in a national post article sabongui says parents need to take the pressure off their children to be the best they can in an extracurricular activity they don t enjoy instead parents need to let kids decide what they want to do it s good to be well-rounded but it s not their duty to excel in areas they may not have aptitudes for says sabongui who specializes in burnout over half the children sabongui treats suffer from burnout and anxiety caused by pressure from parents in some cases this leads to depression sabongui also warns that if parents push their kids too hard they just give up if they re afraid of underperforming in the least bit they won t participate at all anita kuntz a children s music teacher in saskatoon also cautions that when children get involved in too many activities they re unable to devote the time and discipline required to become good at any of them we re creating a society where kids are exposed to so much they ll be masters of none kuntz says vancouver child sports injury specialist dr shelina babul warns parents that when children feel pressured to excel at an activity they re not interested in they ll end up hating it but if they enjoy the activity and want to learn and improve they ll more readily get involved today s family news/focus on the family canada how not to dread mondays dan miller a career expert is great at improving career opportunities his latest book no more dreaded mondays is designed to help readers find opportunities to make their careers more meaningful here s a snippet of his advice from an interview posted on www.newmanmag.com we re not going to see this expectation where you stay at your job for 30 years get a gold watch and retire if you look at the statistics the average person between the ages of 18 and 42 will have 10.8 jobs the average length of time a person in their 20s keeps a job is 13 months your career path no longer means looking for the perfect job and staying there forever because of this volatility it is imperative you have a clear understanding of what strengths you have that allows you to have a compass even while things are changing repeatedly from a christian perspective there are three terms we generally use interchangeably that are actually different calling career and job your calling is the big picture what you feel called to do if you want to leave the world a better place if you want to help ease pain and suffering that s a calling your career is a subset of your calling it s a way of working out your calling as a doctor sports trainer massage therapist teacher pastor or whatever your job is the smallest component your job should never change your calling you have to remain confident i work with a lot of pastors who are frustrated by the unrealistic demands placed on them they say `i m about to have a nervous breakdown but i can t walk away from my calling my question is what is your specific calling if you are called to work with the downhearted can we come up with other ways to do that that won t leave you burned out it s about understanding your calling and finding different ways of applying that calling find out more about dan miller and no more dreaded mondays at 48days.com www.newmanmag.com seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 12

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reviews confront crazy world creatively daughters gone wild dads gone crazy by charles stone and heather stone charles stone was a diligent dad and his parenting skills worked just fine for two of his children but not with heather about the time she turned 13 she began running wild causing troubles of all sorts and leaving heartache in her wake they eventually got through it and heather is a co-author of this book that shares nine key relationship lessons they learned through bitter experience each chapter contains separate sections for dads and daughters and countless tidbits of advice for each on things they can do to improve their relationship there are no guarantees of happy endings but the relational life preservers offered in this book will certainly increase the odds for those who take them to heart and put them into practice adolescence contending with the often conflicting demands of peers church school and home they survey a vast array of battlefields and dispense many items practical advice what to watch for and how to respond god won t hold you responsible for all your son s actions they write but he will hold you accountable for the way you relate to him as a parent experience of most people christian marriage is not a fairy tale it s a chance to look death in the eye and choose to love anyway the book offers nuanced arguments that challenge some contemporary beliefs that are as dangerously comfortable in the church as they are in the culture majesty in motion creating an encouraging culture in all your relationships by stewart brown we all need encouragement in some measure and everybody thrives in its presence canadian pastor and educator stewart brown is a well-practiced encourager who believes we need to be more intentional in the way we understand ourselves and support those around us majesty in motion is a how-to manual pointing the way to christian joy personal peace and productive relationships real encouragement literally gives courage it strengthens the heart it also is willing to draw alongside a person in order to help and it offers an aspect of inspiration it is hopeful intentionally seeking to understand others as god understands them is a key first step ultimately it builds great friendships whatever a person believes or thinks he or she needs to experience an undeniable sense of feeling at home in your presence now that s encouraging god does not entertain play matchmaker hurry demand blood cure every illness edited by d brent laytham the six authors of god does not begin by observing that god does all things well but people have a lot of misperceptions about the ways he works the writers who are deeply convinced that god acts like jesus rather than superman address five plausibly christian expressions of what god does in the world and reveal them as distortions the frenetic pace of daily life for example is not particularly godly god does not hurry nor does he promise christian couples a perfect romance with clear sailing through years of ever deepening love for each other this is not the what your son isn t telling you unlocking the secret world of teen boys by michael ross and susie schellenberger coming of age is a difficult time for many emerging men and also for their parents how is it possible for a houseful of people to love each other so much yet at times feel as if they can t stand each other what does it take for an insecure boy to become a real man of god what s happening in his life why do sane guys keep doing crazy things and what can be done about it ross and schellenberger help readers understand how teen boys feel as they navigate puberty and seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 13

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features there goes another flowe by bill farrel why men find wo men conf using the differences may drive us crazy but it also builds our character in the image of god he created them male and female he created them genesis 1:27 have you ever wondered what was on god s mind when he created women they can enhance and confuse our lives all at the same time i believe most men have given up on the notion of fully understanding the women god has placed in their lives we all ask what am i supposed to do with them in so many ways god made women different from us even though both testosterone and estrogen affect every cell in our bodies for instance your brain is larger than your wife s but the part of her brain that monitors verbal interaction is larger your daughter has more connections between the two sides of her brain than you do so she uses both sides anytime she solves a problem you on the other hand use only one side of the wrinkled computer for any specific problem your female friends view most conversations as recreational activities rather than strategic pursuits while you are busy trying to figure out the main point she is simply having fun sharing what she thinks and feels the fears that slow her down and the activities that make her happy her goal is to create a connection with you meanwhile you are looking for the answer so what can you do to help these relationships operate a little more smoothly look for the ahaw in all your relationships acceptance choose an attitude of acceptance romans 15:7 women are different than men period adopt this thought she has no choice but to be this way no matter how hard i may try to change this it will never happen because this is the way god designed her it is much smarter to learn how to adjust and how to work with this trait everything will seem easier you still won t understand the way she processes life but you will enjoy her more hear learn to listen with curiosity james 1:19 men tend to listen as investigators we want to uncover the main point and identify the goal of the conversation once we know that we want to heroically discover the best solution for the issue at hand she however isn t looking for solutions most of the time she is looking to share her life with those who are important to her therefore if you are important to her she wants to connect as much of her life as she can with you one of the main ways she does this is through conversation when you solve the issues as they come up you interrupt the process however when you show interest and listen the process kicks into gear at some point she will have connected enough of her life to you that her trust switch gets turned on when this switch is activated she finds it easy to trust you seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 14

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bet she can still fit in her wedding dress i wonder where martha gets her clothes from martha always has nice clothes i think he doesn t love me anymore i should get some new clothes i look old bet he doesn t see me anymore maybe he thinks i m fat if he loves me he d buy me flowers er shop the last time i bought her flowers i was accused of being wastful i m not just going to go there end of story period john do you think i should go on a diet now where is this going john are you even listening to me sorry what did you say dear never mind you don t care anyway in just about every area of life to listen with curiosity try these responses when you are tempted to say i understand respond with i want to hear more when she changes subjects quickly ask her how did you do that she will probably ask what do you mean how did i do what reply how did you jump from one subject to another so quickly that was amazing your interest will impress her and most likely lead her to share more with you look for the word or phrases that are different from the rest of the conversation when you notice an unusual phrase ask about it with interest for instance i had the following conversation with pam recently pam look at the clothes i got my favourite company was having this great sale so i ordered a number of things i got this one for $11 this one was only $16 i had a hunch i would look really good in this because it is one of my best colours and it has a v-neck you remember i told you that my body type works best with clothes that have v s it is different than my sister she looks best with ovals which i think is funny since we have the same genes but we look best in different styles i thought about her because i was a little afraid i might get in trouble with you if i bought these clothes even though they were on sale i know her husband would have reacted poorly anyway i am excited about the pictures we are going to be taking soon i have lost weight so i am feeling pretty good about myself and i like the way these new clothes look on me the phrase that stuck out to me was i was a little afraid i might get in trouble with you logically i knew this was silly she is a full adult i have never micromanaged the way she spends money she is free to make her own decisions and yet there was this statement that made it sound like a young girl being scolded by her father i gave it a try really you were afraid you would get in trouble i was amazed at how quickly she opened up yeah i knew in my head that what i was doing was fine but i had this nagging feeling that you would be upset i even know that you are very different than my dad but he would have gotten mad every time i don t know why i can t just get over this but it hangs around a lot affection express affection when you want to give answers it would have been really easy for me to say to pam i am not your dad and i am not like your dad i have been showing you for 30 years that i will respect you as a full adult will this ever end i would have been intellectually right but relationally wrong what she needed at the time was reassurance not reasons she already knew it was silly she didn t need to be told i have learned at moments of vulnerability like this it is better just to give her a hug that lets her know i am with her in this wisdom pray for wisdom everyday james 1:5 the one who knows exactly how women are wired is god himself and you need his help you know how it is when you say to your daughter honey you look great is there a reason you are wearing the green sweater rather than the blue one you thought it was an innocent question until she erupts i knew i looked ugly in this one and then storms up the stairs this is the time to ask the holy spirit to be very active and share with you what you can say and do to work through this situation it may happen through the word of god or it may happen through a whisper it may happen when a friend says something or you hear a message on the radio that seems to you as if god has just spoken it may be as simple as a suggestion from your wife that you realize will work either way god is active in our relationships and will help us if we are willing to listen the bottom line is that the pursuit is never over god made women and men different not to drive us crazy but to develop our character keep looking for the ahaw pam and bill farrel are international speakers and best-selling authors of some 26 books including men are like waffles women are like spaghetti bill is a communicator and pastor whose most recent solo work is devotions for men on the go seven ­ issue twelve may­june 2010 page 15

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