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i am sitting in a chair watching a boy play with a model train set a man walks in the room and sits perplexed and orders me to turn up the radio i turn the knob and we both listen to what seems like an omen of things to come though i can t hear the radio s exact words i can hear a monotone buzz of voices and i feel life leave me i know something horrible is about to happen the man gets up and walks out of the room and the boy bursts into tears millie my mother was shrieking she was drunk it was my wedding day and she was drunk her slurred speech unwavering she proceeded to condemn me for having my head in the clouds it s your wedding day millie why are you so spacey i don t know i say the fact is i don t i ve had visions for the past three years and every time they ve occurred the first incident involved mrs fields cat getting stuck in a tree a seemingly harmless scenario until it is discovered that my vision wasn t exactly accurate mrs fields cat was in fact stuck in a tree but not in one piece my visions were never one hundred percent accurate and reality was often far worse than what i saw well dear my mother stood up and wiped her hands on her twisted skirt resituating the pearls on her neck haphazardly he isn t going to wait forever ­ they never do they always find someone better that s what your father did as she walked out of the parlor she continued her drunken mumble of my father her first husband and the three that followed him i looked into the mirror and slid my hand down my cheek i was getting married i was sixteen years old and marrying the man of my dreams i stepped out into the sunlight of the lawn as a piano played and people stood eyeing me with sympathy like they too saw the vision 1943 i am seventeen years old roosevelt s friday night chats have insisted that he along with churchill do not see the war ending by the end of this month of january germans are still imprisoning jews and american jews fear for their families in europe as well as here i am pregnant four months along now and forever tired and ill william my husband is constantly doting on me like a prince to a princess we are more and love each day and through these hard times of a war and confused economy we make time for the valuable aspects of life i sit home every day and read my bible knit and clean waiting for him dinner is ready upon his arrival home and afterwards we sit together in the living room listening to the radio wondering if the president will interrupt amos `n andy to inform us that the war is over tonight was different william came home and went straight to the bedroom without dinner i passed by the door and heard him sobbing but knew better than to ask what was wrong william was a man s man he didn t want to appear weak in front of others ­ regardless of who it was at about eight that night william came out of the bedroom i was sitting in the rocking chair listening to the radio when he squeaked down the stairs and walked into the room bringing a somber air with him sometimes you just have to wonder about those kids johnny i smiled at the jokes on the radio our gaze met and i saw both resentment and grievance in his face ­ though not towards me suddenly the radio show cut out as roosevelt s voice announced a state of the union address william s eyes fell as he slunk onto the couch elbows on knees head in hands roosevelt stated that there would be a draft men would be entering war regardless of the previously instituted work or fight rule of the first world war he stated that men would most likely learn of their assignments through mail but would on occasion be delivered yellow notes at work a feeling of upset sat in my stomach as the baby kicked and i looked over at william his hands were folded together his lips pressed against his thumbs with his elbows still on his knees he looked at me giving me a knowing glance the baby was kicking furiously william stood up and put his hands in

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his pockets he looked at me for a brief moment before staring at the ground then walking out of the room a feeling of déjà vu encompassed my being as i remembered my wedding day ­ the vision i had not had one since and this was certainly the longest one to wait for as expected reality was very much worse than the vision i had instead of an angry man leaving a room with a crying child i was stuck with a painful kick to the ribs and the knowledge that my husband would soon be leaving home forcing me to raise the child alone the thought that william wouldn t come back had not yet crossed my mind and i focused on the good that could happen for the next week ­ the last week i would have before watching william board the train for war three days went by and william had not spoken to me the frustration was insurmountable i wanted to spend these last few days loving him taking care of him spending time with him he just wanted to be alone though he didn t have time for me he didn t dote on me anymore i did the housework and the yard work i did the cooking and the cleaning everything moved by slowly until the final day when william came down the stairs with his yellow card in hand he looked at me and it was a look i ll never forget the corners of his mouth turned down slightly but his mouth was straight his eyes knew what was going to happen they knew war would change everything he gave me a hug and held tight i felt a warm droplet fall onto my shoulder and knew that this was his moment of weakness he pulled away and got down on one knee staring at my stomach he unbuttoned my dress at my belly button and pushed the fabric away as he grabbed the sides of my stomach with his hands and kissed it i will come back for you he said he looked up at me as if for reassurance that the baby understood it kicked his eyes grew wide and for the first time in a week he smiled a train rolls by in broad daylight a group of men get off but the person i m looking for isn t there my child is tugging at my shirt but isn t crying i set the child down in a photo booth i take a deep breath and look down the track ­ a second train is heading this way i look back at the photo booth the curtain covering my child s view i smile and wave tears falling from my eyes i step in front of the train i jerk awake i hear william lee s crying reverberating down the hall as i slip on my house slippers and rush into his room the crying stops it would seem he just wanted company william has been gone for a year and the war is far from over my neighbor to the left patty may received a special delivery two weeks ago that put the fear of life in all of us a man in an army suit pulled up to her house and walked up to the doorway very matter-of-factly he knocked on the door and upon her answer delivered her a letter she hesitated before opening the sealed note and fell to her knees in front of the man she moaned and sobbed as the man walked from her doorstep to the car offering his condolences her husband had been killed on the battlefield and she was forced to provide for her five children more and more women encountered the notes and more and more women were left alone with children forced to find a means of which to provide millie and william lee sat home nervously day in and day out praying that any car rolling down the street would not be for them a black car pulled up to the lawn as i watered the garden on a sunny saturday afternoon william lee laid on a blanket on the ground playing with wooden cars as the black car s driver door closed i dropped the spade in my hand and could feel the tears a man in an army suit approached me with a fierceness in his eyes ­ he appeared dead in the face completely void of emotion his soul had been taken in exchange for the job of delivering mourning to families he handed me a letter and walked away.

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william lee wasn t crying which worried me i looked back and he had rolled over onto his stomach and was staring at me i opened the letter slowly and read the information mrs william scott this is a disclaimer from the federal government informing you that your husband has been wounded on the battlefield he will be discharged from the u.s army and returned home next thursday on the 5:15 from detroit best regards my eyes watered at the thought of him being hurt ­ being so close to death yet so safe he was coming home we could have our life back ­ he would go back to work when he was healed and we would live like the happy family we always wanted to be i ran inside the house with william lee and put him in a stroller with his rattle i cleaned the house from top to bottom and made plans for a special on the night of my husband s arrival it would be truly flawless the week flew by with anticipation and william lee and i stood at the train station in detroit at four-thirty antsy for william men walked off the trains with anticipation their wives hugging them their children tugging at their pants william lee giggled incessantly five o clock came and went as william lee grew restless i noticed a dark little photo booth right beside the boarding station of the train stop and decided a visual record of this day would be perfect i envisioned passing it down to william lee s children and they would pass it to their children ­ they would remember this glorious day just as i had we snapped our four pictures and william lee began to cry i set him down in the booth and peeked out from around the curtain the five-fifteen had arrived i searched around frantically for william but didn t see him another flood of men speckled the station as i searched for the familiar face i recalled my vision ­ stepping in front of the train i stared at the tracks as a distant train whistled i began to think what if there was a mistake what if he never made it out of the hospital what if there was a casualty william lee can t live without a father ­ he won t what do i do a sharp loud whistle emitted from a train approaching i walked towards the tracks my body willing me to jump i stared at the tracks ignoring the ever louder whistle my mind questioned my motives what was i doing i had a child but my body compelled me otherwise i leaned forward to jump then ­ millie a calm voice behind me caused me to pull my foot back onto the dock i turned around there in an olive green his arm wrapped up in thick gauze stood william i rushed towards him and hugged him tears bursting forth from my eyes i began to babble incoherently as i held him i looked up into his face and suddenly regained my composure he wasn t holding me william william what s wrong he stared at me his eyes empty there was no life in them at all ­ just dead space where s william lee he asked in the photo booth i motioned to the box he walked over and picked william lee up the baby cooing at his long-lost father a bitterness rose up inside of me i had cared for him william lee barely knew who he was i was the one who had loved him i the one who married him before he went to war at such a young age yet he wouldn t hold me wouldn t look at me let s go home he said he didn t wait for me but carried william lee away and walked steadily towards the car.

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years grew long with william he barely spoke to me i was convinced he didn t love me anymore rather he didn t love me as much as i loved him he tended to william lee and doted on him with unrestricted grace and wouldn t sleep with me anymore years passed and william lee graduated high school got married joined the air force soon i was a grandmother and even sooner a greatgrandmother at william s funeral i cried into my tissues as my grandchildren laid hands on me i watched him be lowered into the ground dirt falling on top of his wooden tomb i cried for days weeks months afterwards pictures of him adorned my house and i felt closer to him now that he was gone than i did when he was still alive every year i returned to his grave site and on my hands and knees cleaned his grave i loved him ­ always had and always would every time i clipped the grass surrounding the tombstone i would remember that day that he came home i would begin to cry remembering how i thought he would die in war but came home alive the tears would stop when i reached the end of the cleaning and realized the truth william had never come home william was not alive on the detroit 5:15 william was dead long before his blood stopped pumping.

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